Decision Made

Last week I asked how God confirms decisions. I'm not sure I have a definitive answer, but for me it was a sense of peace. Yesterday, I gave my resignation from my position as children's minister as of June 1st. The past two years have been a journey that is very hard to describe and is probably not understandable to anyone besides me. Steve and my mom have some understanding, but still not to same degree as me. At first my ministry gave me the motivation to fight and to get better physically. The leadership at church as been very supportive of the time it has taken, and workman's comp has been wonderful at providing the tools I needed to accomplish returning (i.e. power chair). But unfortunately, my healing is more than physical, it is also emotional and spiritual. Unfortunately, I have not attended to my emotional and spiritual health to the same degree I have my physical health. The reality of ministry for me is that it takes alot of my focus away from the Lord. This is really hard to understand since the whole point of ministry is to serve the Lord. But I often find myself doing for the Lord and not being with the Lord. So I decided with another summer coming where I still cannot physically participate in the activities I loved in children's ministry (i.e. camp) that I would take the time to focus on renewing my relationship with the Lord and spending time in my pool continuing to exercise my leg. There is alot to get done this month, so please pray that I just take one day at a time and not cause myself alot of further stress.
I am sure I will be blogging about this more in the days to come.

REYG

I got to spend the sweetest spiritual time tonight that I have had in a very long time. Claire and Clint Gerdes were baptized this morning at Highland Oaks and we were invited to their birthday party tonight. There a dozen or more teenagers there and it was a blessing being with them. It was great singing with them and hearing them sing. It was sweet hearing their blessings over Clint and Claire. I was really touched by something Josh Troutt said, it was something like "we have alot of baptisms and we all have seen alot of people get baptized by the neat thing is it never gets old. It is always a time of rejoicing and happiness" I thought that was so great coming from one of our teens. Cameron Thomas told Claire and Clint that he wished he could tell them that things get easier now, but that they actually get harder and that Satan will attack them. Kayla Chrisman told them she also shares the day she was baptized with her brother and at first she thought that she would rather have her own celebration instead of having to share, but as she has matured she has realized that is always something that will bond her and James together and she hope Claire and Clint would be grateful for that shared experience as well. So I just wanted to share with all of you. I need to spend more time with these teens, tonight they really blessed my life!

Praising God Continued

So to continue my post from yesterday. Here are my M-Z praises. I would love to hear yours!

M-I praise you for My Salvation
N-I praise you for Never leaving or forsaking me
O-I praise you for your Omniscient
P-I give you Praise
Q-I praise you that your love does not lessen when I Question
R-I praise you for your Righteousness
S-I praise you for the forgiveness of my many Sins
T-I praise you for being Trustworthy
U-I praise you that you are not Unapproachable
V-I praise you that I have Victory over Satan
W-I praise you that you do not Waffle, but stay the same
X-I praise you for knowing eXactly what I need at all times
Y-I Yearn to know you more and more
Z-I praise you that we will live and praise you for a Zillion years!

Praising God

So I read an article yesterday where the author came up with A-Z praises to God. While mine will not be as good, I thought I would give it a try. Today I will do A-L then tune in tomorrow for M-Z.

A-I praise you for being the Alpha-the beginning
B-I praise you for being my Blessed father
C-I praise you for being the Creator
D-I praise you for the Dance we do together
E-I praise you that your love is Everlasting
F-I praise you for never Failing me
G-I praise you for your Goodness and mercy
H-I praise you for your Healing power
I-I praise you for my favorite verse Isaiah 40:28-31
J-I praise you for the times you fill my heart with Joy
K-I praise you that you do not just require Knowledge of you
L-Of course I praise you most for your amazing Love

I would love to hear your alphabet praise too!

Discipleship Journal

Tonight I was reading the May/June issue of Discipleship Journal and there was an article that resonated with me. The article was by a woman named Sue Warburton and was entitled "Where Is My Miracle". She talks about losing her job and being jobless for 6 months. She talks about the day she cried out to God "are you listening, or if you are listening why aren't you acting?" Then she read Matthew 11:2-6 where John the Baptist is in prison and tells his disciples to go ask Jesus "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" Jesus answers "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: the blind recieve sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are also raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man that does not fall away because of me." Jesus seems to be saying I am who I say I am, look at all the miracles, yet John is not going to get one. She goes on to say that what Jesus was saying is "Don't fall away because of me, because of what I do or don't do". John did not just want to know if Jesus was God, he wanted Jesus to be God for him. He wanted Jesus to do something about his situation. The author goes on to say this "God does not cease to be God because He doesn't act the way we would like for Him to. He is still a God of miracles, even when a miracle doesn't happen for us. He still hears us, even when He remains silent. He's still there, even when we don't feel His presence. And although His ways may be mysterious, we can trust that they are right and good". Romans 8:28 She goes on to say "God is it for me. Where else do I have to go? Although He may not be the God I want Him to be, I have no choice but to follow the God I'm presented with, the one whose ways...Scripture assures me...are higher than mine" (Is.55:8-9)

This article reminded of the Twila Paris Song "Do I Trust You Lord?"
Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in Your will, what's in Your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why,
But I can never forget it for long.
Lord, what You do could not be wrong.
So I believe You, even when I must cry.
Do I trust You, Lord?Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord?Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart,You can read my mind,
And You got to know That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord? Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.
Do I trust You, Lord? Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord? Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind,
And You got to know That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust You. I will trust You. I will trust You, Lord. I will trust You.

To which I say...it is the bottom line is it not? Trust or not trust? The God who gave His only Son to die so that I can be in relationship with Him is not a God who does not care. Once again I cannot be led by what I feel, but most be led by what I know and that is God loves me and will someday make it all plain to me...until then? I will trust you Lord.

Making Decisions

So if you have a decision to make how do you determine what God's will is? I know we all pray, but how does God make it clear what He wants you to do when you have a choice to make? If you have a time that He showed you the right decision to make, I would love to hear how He confirmed that decision for you.

God's Shadow

I read today in Joni Erickson Tada's book "Intimacy with God", this Psalm 121 verse:
"He who watches over you will not slumber, indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you-the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life." To be honest I read verses like this one and can't help but ask if they apply to us today? I realize this was David's thoughts about God but does that mean it is a promise for us? I have claimed several of the Psalms as promises, but when I look at them, they aren't God saying these things about Himself, it is David saying these things about God. Yet, I know the Bible was inspired by God. I guess my struggle is that I don't know that God does protect us from harm. I know we can say well he protects us from spiritual harm. But this verse seems to be referring to physical harm. God does not always protect us from physical harm, all we have to do is look at Job to know that. So what do you think that Psalms 121 is referring to? Or how do you interpret Psalm 91:11-12 "For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways they will lift you up in their hands, so that you not strike your foot against a stone." I feel like the father who came to Jesus and said "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief".

Focus Group

So tonight I made the most money I have ever made! $50.00 an hour. I was asked to come and be a part of a focus group to gather information on our experiences on wearing the external fixator. There were eight of us, all of us patients of my doctor. It was interesting hearing their stories. I was by far not the worst one there. One man has worn four fixators and has had 34 surgies in 4 years. Another man had 39 surgies. One thing we all agreed is that wearing the frame was definitely worth it to save our legs. We were all thankful that Dr. Freudigman fought to save our legs when others talked about amputations. There is something comforting about being with others that know exactly how you feel. I guess that is why support groups work so well. I hope the feedback that we gave will help the company that manufacturers the frame to make some improvements that would make it better and more user friendly. At the end of our two hour time we felt we had a common bond and we all walked out with $100 bill. Now I have to figure out what to splurge on!!

So for about a week now I have been really struggling with a downcast spirit. I am not sure why and really can't put my finger on it. Usually when I get this way it is only a couple of days. My sweet husband emailed me two verses today Hebrews 13:5 " "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you"and 2 Chronicles 16:9 “For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose Heart is completely His. … " with some comments hoping to cheer me up. This was my question to him. My head knows the verses and I do try to tell myself such verses, but for some reason right now what I know and what I feel are not the same. I asked God this morning why I can't feel His presence and comfort? The things that usually work to restore my joy just aren't yet, and today's weather did not help. Anyway...not needing anyone to feel sorry for me, just trying to be honest on this post. I didn't post yesterday because I did not have anything I thought was uplifting to say. Today I decided that I can't always be upbeat on here, just asking you to walk the journey with me. If you do have something that works for you when you get down, I would appreciate hearing about it.

The Sunflower

Wednesday night at Supper Club Piper brought a book called The Sunflower by Richard Paul Evans. I tried to tell her that I had a stack of books to read that I have not been able to get to, but she and Deb assured me that this was a sweet and easy read. Well two afternoons and I finished it and indeed it was a sweet read. It was a sweet love story as well as an inspiring story of one's mission (calling) in life. How God can bring beauty out of ashes. One of the quotes in the book really struck me "There are times, it seems, that God throws a cosmic switch that moves the tracks beneath us, burling our lives headlong in a new and uncertain direction. Of these times just two things are certain. It's best we don't know what's ahead. We can never go back." I totally agree that we can never go back, but this controlling nature that I have says what do you mean it's best we don't know what's ahead? Oh...you mean we have to have faith? As I continue on this journey may I just trust that even though I don't know what is ahead, I do have a faithful God that will see me through one step at a time.

God's Creation

Today I spent a couple of hours watching Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel. It is amazing how they captured on film so many species of animals in their natural habitat. But even more amazing is seeing God's creativity in making them all! It really brought home Romans 1:20 "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." I ask myself if God did all of this in 7 days, and 2000 years ago Jesus said "I go to prepare a place for you", how much more beautiful is heaven going to be than this earth?
As the song says "I Can Only Imagine".

My Brother

My brother Brent is two years younger than me. He lives in Denver. I would appreciate you all sending up some prayers for him as he had double knee replacement surgery today. He has a rough recovery road ahead of him. He could have chosen to have one knee done at a time but he wanted a shorter recovery period. He has had really severe arthritis for several years so hopefully this surgery will significantly improve his quality of life. The surgery today was more complicated than expected and he was in the recovery room longer than expected, so not off to a great start. So I ask you to pray for his healing and I ask you to pray that he will encounter the Lord's presence in amazing ways. It is times like these that I hate my family is spread so far apart, I would love to be able to just drop in and see him and pray with him. Thanks so much for your prayers on his behalf! Hope you all have a great Friday!

Prayer

Today I came across this prayer from Augustine:
"God of our life, there are days when the burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and weigh us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies grey and threatening; when our lives have no music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage. Flood the path with light, run our eyes to where the skies are full of promise; tune our hearts to brave music; give us the sense of comradeship with heroes and saints of every age; and so quicken our spirits that we may be able to encourage the souls of all who journey with us on the road of life, to Your honour and glory."
After reading this prayer it made my prayers seem so small. Where does someone get this kind of prayer lanuage? And how did it get recorded so that I could be blessed by it so many years later? Hope you were blessed by it as well.

Using My Gifts

Today I saw this quote "God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called". It made me give thanks again that God has called me into His ministry. I do have to remind myself from time to time that it is His ministry and not mine. If there are any successes then He is the one that should get the glory. All the volunteers that partner with me in His ministry are called by Him as well. I am so thankful for each one of them and thankful that He equips us all. So now I am looking at retiring in December and am looking to see what He will call me to do next? I am assuming He will call me to do something else, or do the same thing somewhere else. I don't know what it is yet, but hopefully He will make it clear for Steve and I both.

Forgive My Enemies

I know we are all grieving about the shootings at Virginia Tech today. While I know that our hearts and prayers go out to the families of all those who died. What about the family of the shooter. How do you live life knowing your son, brother, nephew, grandson, etc. is responsible for the worst school massacre in history? Then my heart has been aching for the 13 year old Richardson girl whose father tried killing her, killed her 6 year old sister and himself. If she lives how do you recover from those horrible memories? No one should have to endure that kind of pain, yet everyday people do. I know my accident does not even begin to compare to either of these, but someone did take my life as I knew it. The way I have been able to deal with that is I refuse to give him anymore of it than he took. If I am filled with hate or obsess over the fact he has not been caught then he gets more of my life. But more importantly the Word tells me I will only be forgiven to the degree that I forgive others and I know how much forgivness I need! May the Lord give us all the ability to forgive and pray for our enemies.

We Are Blessed

Do you think we truly understand how very blessed we are to live in the United States? I know that I take the freedoms that I have too much for granted. Tonight I watched a movie called Sometimes In April about the Rwandan genocide. A few years ago I saw Hotel Rowanda which was very similar to this movie tonight. At the time I remember asking myself how this could have happened in 1994 and me be oblivious to it? 1,000,000 people slaughtered in 100 days! For no other reason than they were different. I am not sure how they could visually tell a Hutu from a Tutsi? What happens to a person's heart that they can become so inhumane? The Hutu's didn't care if they were children, young or old. They called the Tutsi's "cockroaches" and yet they would rape the women before killing them? The deeper question for me is how did the rest of the world sit by and just watch this happen? One of the quotes in the movie has a government official saying "but it is Rwandans killing Rwandans". Guess it would coorelate to the Civil War when Americans were killing Americans? I ask myself what difference could I have made? I don't know. I would like to think I would have at the least prayed. So many of those being murdered seemed to have so much courage. Just like so many of the Jews in Germany. Would I have that kind of courage? Yet, which takes more courage dying or standing up against wrong for what is right? There were Hutu's that hid Tutsi's in an effort to save them, just as there were those that hid Jews. I would like to think that I would be brave enough to risk my life in the effort to save someone else. I know this is a heavy post, but I pray that all of us will be God's presence and light in a world filled with darkness. As you read this take a moment and say a prayer for those all over the world who tonight are being persecuted for no other reason than they are not being loved with the love that God wants us to have for all people. May we be on the watch for how we can make a difference.

Foot Massage

They say "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach", well the way to my heart is through a foot massage! For the months my mom and dad lived with us when I needed constant care, my mom would massage by feet everynight as I went to bed and it was so relaxing. The last few months Steve has picked up the habit and has been massaging my left foot. It is still numb in spots and tends to have a tingling sensation. When he just rubs it, it just feels so much better and then when he also puts lotion on it, it is just the best! I have never had a complete body massage, but I am thinking somewhere down the road I am going to have to try one, because if one foot feels so good, the whole body must be remarkable!

Another Milestone

Well tonight was another recovery milestone! I cleaned the kitchen after dinner! Who would have thought that I would take joy in that? Steve has been so great at doing the dishes for the past two years. I have been able to cook some as I try to do things that I can just put in a crockpot, grill or microwave and that doesn't take a lot of standing time. But my sinks are too high to sit and wash dishes. What was funny is that we had our dishwasher replaced sometime over the past year and I had to ask Steve to show me how to use it tonight! Guess I will have to see what I will be able to do next...perhaps dust! I am looking forward to the weather getting pretty again so that I can get the backyard spruced up and my new pool cushions put out and begin enjoying sitting out in the sun and getting this white body a little bit more color. Everyone have a great weekend. Don't forget to drop by R.E. from 10-1 for the Day of the Young Child.

Backyard Friends

So this morning I pass by my sunroom window and notice our pool cleaning gizmo is stuck on the railing of the stairs. I go out to unhook it and look up and notice I had some friends. Here

they are:

I was amazed that they did not fly away! Then I came in and got my camera and they still stayed. This same mama and papa duck have been visiting for awhile now. You would think the chlorine in the pool would bother them, but evidently not. On another subject I went to the doctor today for a 2 week check up since surgery. I really was anticipating some bad news, but I am very thankful to report that he said my leg looked "excellent". I love that word!! There is still some major strengthening that needs to happen and he said things will still be fragile for about six months. But at the moment, everything was lined up straight. He was also pleased to see how well I was walking. So if the swelling would just go down where I could get my foot back into a regular shoe. So after my visit I had some things to get at Hobby Lobby for "The Day of the Young Child" at church on Saturday, so I actually walked the store from front to back! So praises go up today for God's sweet creation of ducks and His faithfulness in healing.

Supper Club Friends

Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" was so right! When I first came to RE there was a group of women who invited me to join them on Wednesdays nights after church for food and fellowship. They called themselves the Supper Club. Over the years I have grown to love each one of the ladies. Each and everyone is so different, but put us all together and we just have fun together. I look forward to Wednesday nights and was really bummed when our elders moved their meetings to every other Wednesday night because it meant I would miss Supper club every other week. Tonight I was suppose to go to an elder's meeting, but I skipped it to be with my friends because it was going to be a special night. Randy and Linda had been part of the extra crowds for the grand finale filming of Friday Night Lights. Tonight that episode aired and we all gathered to watch a DVR version so we could stop and scan the crowds. Sure enough we were all excited when Randy spotted herself. Unfortunately, we could not see Linda. But tonight was no exception in that it was riddled with laughs. Next time you see Linda Matthews ask her what is the difference between a pettifore and a pedophile.

Wreck Anniversary

2 years ago today was my accident. It some ways it seems like yesterday and others it seems like such a long time ago. My mom put together a little memory book of pictures of my journey.

This picture began the book. When I look at the car, all I can do is give thanks to God that the major impact was on the passenger side and not the driver side. The injuries would have been so much worse. When I think back on that night there are mixed thoughts. The first is "Why didn't I go up the tollway instead of 75?" For a moment I had that choice, my life would have been different if I had taken the tollway instead.

Then I am so thankful for the good samaritans that stopped to help me that night and who stayed with me till the ambulance arrived and called Steve and my mother for me. I am thankful that God in His mercy allowed me to sleep once the rescue workers got me out of the car, and I don't remember anything about the pain. They say the way my bone broke through the skin that it was a near amputation. So another blessing is the location of the accident in that I got taken to Baylor instead of another hospital, because on staff that night at Baylor was the only doctor in Dallas who has experience with the Illizarov frame and is a world known trauma surgeon. So even though it has been a longer journey than was expected, I am thankful that Dr. Freudigman was able to save my leg. I am sure it will still take months and years for me to process everything from these past two years. I know that I have not taken as much advantage of the time as I could have, but to be honest, it has been easier to fill the time with escape, so I have watched way too much T.V. I could have read so many books by now, but I just can't seem to concentrate and start the same book over and over. So I wish today's blog was filled with deep spiritual lessons I have learned during this process, but instead, I have to confess, I feel I am still on the journey and still taking it just one day at a time. Trying to be grateful for each day but knowing that if God had taken me home 2 years ago, the journey would have been so much easier. I am sure at some point He will reveal His purpose for leaving me here.

Shirley Temple

Tonight I am watching "Little Miss Broadway" with Shirley Temple. I love the way her movies make me smile. She was just so cute and talented. I know there has to be other equally cute and talented kids, but there just doesn't seem to be any to match Shirley. I don't know what makes her so appealing? The movies were pretty much all the same...She is always an orphan who sings and dances her way into someone's heart. This particular movie starred Jimmy Durante. Now what made him a star? Just the novelty of his nose?
Another all time favorite movie of mine is Pollyanna with Haley Mills. I remember showing this movie a few years ago to a group of 5th and 6th grade girls on a sleep over. They were not impressed. Guess these movies don't translate through time, but they bring back memories for me, and I never get tired of watching them. Kind of like I Love Lucy. How many times can one watch her Vita-Vegamin commerical and not just laugh? My favorite has always been when she is at the retuarant in the booth next to William Holden and eating spagetti. How about you? Do you have a favorite that you just never get tired of?

My Great Nephew

My niece Danette (who is my namesake, Danette Lynn) had a little baby boy on March 13th. His name is Talon Jon. I just thought you might like to meet him today, as my sister sent a picture. I know I am prejudiced, but does he not look like a beautiful baby? This is my sister's third grandchild. I have to be honest and admit I am a little jealous as I will never be a grandmother and yet at the same time not having grandchildren makes me feel younger because I don't realize I am actually old enough to be a grandmother. Unfortunately, no telling how old Talon will be before I get to hold him? They live in Denver and I don't know when I will be going there in the near future. In the meantime, I'm thankful for being able to keep current with news and pictures on the internet. Too bad babies can't stay babies a bit longer, seems like they just grow up so fast. I am sure no one realizes that more than some of you moms.

LTC

Well tomorrow is good Friday and for the first time in 9 years I will not be working on this day. The church office is always closed on this day, and all the other staff get it as a vacation day but because the children participate in Leadership Training for Christ, I was always getting things set up for the convention. It will seem so strange not to be a part of that tomorrow. Since the redistribution of my job responsibilities, LTC does not fall under my umbrella anymore. So I will go on Saturday just as a supporter and observer. I actually have been involved in LTC for 14 years! So I really am going through withdrawal not being involved as a coach of any kind this year. I remember my first year all I took was a chorus because I really did not know what it was all about. Our Mesquite families went, the kids sang, we all went out to eat at the downtown El Fenix. Then I thought, perhaps I will go back and see what else is going on. I went room to room and watched all these amazing events and the kids participating them and determined that the next year we too would participate in more. I am excited every year to run into the Mesquite church people and kids and see they have continued to participate in LTC every year. When I first came to Richardson East, they were not involved either, so we began participating and now nine years later it is still going. I am especially proud of Brittany, Kirstin and Kelcie because they have been participating since they were grade school and now as high schoolers are coaching younger kids. To me this is the whole purpose of the weekend, is helping our kids find their spiritual gifts and giving them opportunity to grow in them and find a way to lead in God's Kingdom! So while, I will just be a observer this year and because of my retirement it will be my last LTC, I will take joy in watching our kids in action! The blessing is that other adults have continued the coaching and involvement and hopefully will keep it going. Thanks especially to Kelley Thomas who took on the responsibility of coordinating this year's LTC, even though her kids are not even old enough to participate yet!

My Parents

Today is my parent's 38th anniversary! I got to go over and bring them an anniversary milk shake and spend a little time with them. They are each other's best friend. I don't know anyone who just sits and talks with each other the way they do. I am so thankful that God in His mercy has extended my father's time on earth so that he and my mom can continue to have days together. I don't know how many more they will have, but I do know they will treasure each one. Thank you Mother and Daddy for the way you have modeled a marriage centered in the will of God to me. It is such a blessing to see the way you love each other!
I know God smiles from heaven as He is honored by the covenant you have kept with one another for 38 years. I love you both very much.

Faith In God

Tonight I was listen to an interview with Elizabeth Edwards regarding the return of her cancer.
Evidently the Edwards had a son die in an accident 11 years ago at the age of 16. She said she learned then that God was not who she thought He was, as up to that time she thought He was a God who would intervene, but He does not always do so, so she is not expecting Him to intervene now. She said said she had to change her thoughts of God with the facts. I think this has been a revelation in my journey as well. I have said in the last 2 years that "I cannot go by what I feel, but what I know." We quote Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." But the truth is, we really prefer to see. We want proof. But Hebrews 11 is a description of a miriad of people in the Bible who did not see. In fact verse 13 says "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance." They too had to adjust their thoughts about their God, but in the end chose to trust not in what they could see but what was promised an eternal home. I love the way the Message words verses 39-40 "Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours." Is that not AMAZING?? My faith is going to come together with Abraham, Noah, Moses, Paul, Esther, Ruth, etc., etc. My faith is not complete without theirs, and theirs is not complete without mine. Mind boggling? So the bottom line is even though God may not rescue or intervene the way I thought He would, He is still God and His ways are still best and I will chose to trust in hopes that may faith will come together with yours and all others before and after us to make a completed whole.

What's The Cost?

This morning I was watching my regular Sunday morning preachers and heard some great messages, but the one that touched my heart was by a preacher I don't normally listen to and I can't even tell you who he is, but he was talking about the last week in Jesus life. When he came to the day where Jesus and the apostles shared the Last Supper he went through each apostle and told how they were martyred for staying faithful to Christ. He said that each one of them gave up their lives to share that last meal with Jesus. Then he asked "What do you give up to share communion with Jesus?" It got me to thinking about how many times I am guilty of partaking of communion without considering it's meaning. I wish I could say that everytime I partake I am centered, but most times I have to really make myself focus because my mind easily wanders (especially on those Sundays where I am leaving to lead Children's Worship). It is such an intimate moment between me and the Savior. I hope that I can commit to guarding my mind and embracing the moment. I pray that each of you has a wonderful week leading up to Easter. Spend time walking with the Lord this week as each day has such a special significance. The kids and I spent time with palm leaves today recreating the road to Jerusalem and singing Hosanna to the Lord. Amazing how on this Sunday He was heralded and praised and only five days later was crucified with only a few remaining faithful to Him.

Land of the Living

Well, after a couple of really rough days, I think I returned to the land of the living today. Thursday I woke up being so sore I could not move, especially my shoulders and neck. Then the nausea and vomiting started. I called my doctor because I could not imagine what was going on (even though my leg actually felt fine). They said it was probably just the anesthesia, but Steve was also having the same symptoms. We thought perhaps it was food poisoning? All we know is it was not fun! Friday, we both were better, Steve a little more so than I, as I was still running a fever. Today, we both were back to the land of the living and ventured out to the drugstore and to a new place to eat a hamburger. Burger Island on Arapaho and Custer. I had a coupon come in the mail, so thought we would try it out. It was okay but both agreed we like Red Robin better (although B.I. was much cheaper!). I wanted to get a compression sock at the drugstore to see if we can get the swelling down. I am wearing it now, but not sure how tight it is suppose to be as all I need to do is cut off the blood supply altogether. Guess I will try it tonight and see how it goes and then decide whether to keep it or take it back. I could not believe the sock was $60.00!! What do people do that have to wear them all the time and get them in several colors? Anyway...I will close tonight with this quote I read today "An optimist looks at difficulty and sees the opportunity. A pessimist looks at the opportunity and sees the difficulty." I pray that I will learn more and more to see the blessing in every difficulty and especially the opportunity that God affords me to draw nearer to Him. Everyone have a great day of worship!

Surgery Today

We arrived at the hospital at 6:00 a.m. this morning, and waited in the room until 8:45 at which time they took me to pre-op. Then about 10:00 they took me to surgery. Thank you God that this was the easiest surgery I have had during this process, as my blood pressure did not drop and my breathing rate stayed steady. I was back in my room by noon and left about 12:30. Felt so good Steve and I stopped at Red, Hot and Blue to eat lunch. It was yummy!
My leg is wrapped with an ace bandage from knee to toe. Hopefully I can take it off in a couple of days as it is really itching underneath. Of course I did not see the doctor, but his assistant talked to my mom and Steve and said everything went well. What a blessing to be able to come straight home and not have to spend any time in the hospital. Hard to describe the joy in taking off my pants and under garments without the frame! Yeah! I get to wear normal pants again! Hopefully the swelling in my foot will go down soon so that I can fit back into my
normal shoe size. Now the challenge is to push myself to walk, walk, walk. Let me close today by sharing a cute quip that was on a church's board today "Christ Is Risen. No bones about it!"

Fixator Removal

Woo-hoo! Went to the doctor today and was totally surprised when he said he would take the fixator off tomorrow!! I have to be at the hospital at 6:00 a.m. and will have surgery around 8:00 a.m. It will just be daysurgery, so hopefully I will be home early afternoon. I am thankful that my doctor is willing to put me under to take the frame off. I am part of a chat room of others all over the world who are wearing a frame and some doctors take it off right in the office. I can't even begin to imagine how much that would hurt! I would be less than honest to say the excitement is guarded in that the doctor cannot guarantee me that we are out of the woods yet. There is still a noticeable line across the bone that has still not filled in. He does not know why and is in hopes it eventually will. I am just praying that I do not have to take any more steps backwards. In the meantime-I am so looking forward to sleeping tomorrow night frame free!!

Swimming and Kids

What is it about kids and swimming pools? Friday night when we went to Jami's for dinner. The Siburt kids and Stevens kids were there. They loved the pool! Did not want to get out.
Didn't mind jumping in over and over again. Don't know what it is about swimming pools that make me and the kids lose track of time. When I have kids over to swim in my pool, it is a no brainer. Most of the kids don't even want to get out of the pool for snack. Then they jump off the diving board over and over and over again. I wanted to post a picture tonight of mother and daddy duck who have been visiting my pool, but I guess because of the rain they did not show up today (they have been here for the last five). Maybe tomorrow.

Happily Ever After

Tonight Steve and I went to Dustin Autery's wedding. It was in the back yard of Deb Tietjen's sister, Kathy. What a great day it turned out to be! The weather was just beautiful! The Warman's have a beautiful backyard and Deb and Piper had decorated everything with lots of twinkle lights and candles. It was a beautiful wedding. Matt Mcbryde did the ceremony and did a great job. I love going to weddings, there is something about seeing a new couple's express their love that strengthens my own love with Steve. Reminding me of the covenant we made with each other. Remembering all the dreams I had for us on our wedding day, and being so thankful that for 17 years those dreams continue to come true. I couldn't help but think during the vows tonight "in sickness and in health" that Steve has really got the short end of the stick in our marriage. He has been in the hospital two days in our 17 years. I on the other hand had a few stays in the hospital even before this past two years. I am so very thankful for a husband that has kept his covenant with me and continues to love me in sickness and in health.

Water Music

Tonight we were invited to Jami Bell's house for a staff get together. It was nice to be with one another outside of the office. Jami and Greg have a new swimming pool that has a waterfall. I love the sound of water. I can sit by the river for hours just listening to the water flow over the rocks. I love listening to the ocean waves come in and out. Some of my favorite times have been staying in a motel on the ocean or river and leaving windows open to fall asleep to the sound of water. I have a fountain in my sun room that has a great sound, I can't let the water run for long periods of time because the water splashes and gets all over the floor. So I have several CD's that are just water sounds. So today I give thanks to God for the sounds of water He places all around us to remind us of His continual cleansing in our lives. He is the living water.

Dream A Little Dream

Tonight as I was returning from a ministry meeting I started thinking about dreams I have for my experience at church. Sowhile I realize that I could never be as eloquent as Martin Luther, let me share with you.
I have a dream of a church where:
-We don't just talk about outreach, we truly do it.
-We don't talk about being a house of prayer, but we are a house of prayer
-We are more concerned about other's needs than we are our own
-We are so much "the body" that no one is unnoticed
-Everyone uses their gifts to glorify God
-We truly have intergenerational opportunities to share our stories
-We who have much give to those who have less
-Instead of the 10% doing 90% of the work, that 100% join in as partners in ministry
-That our community knows us as the church that is there to serve them
-That there is a waiting list of teachers eager to teach our children
-That every classroom has a man in it as a teacher or mentor
Of course for almost everyone of these I am pointing at myself as much as anyone. I just wonder sometimes if Jesus were to write us a letter as He did the seven churches in Revelation what would he say? How about you? What are your dreams for your church experience or what dreams have come true?

Not Sleeping

It is 3:25 a.m. as I lay here in bed and type this. I hate these nights where I just cannot go to sleep! I have prayed, I have watched T.V., I listened to a CD, I played 2 games of Suduko, I read 44 emails, and 12 blogs and I am still just laying here! My leg is really hurting tonight and the pain meds are not kicking in as they usually do. I played bunko tonight and did a lot of moving around, so it is really swollen, which makes the wires pull more on the skin. But I guess it is worth it, because I won tonight for the most games won. So Steve will be getting up in an hour. My luck I will be falling asleep right about the time he gets up and I will wake up and not be able to go back to sleep? At least I have something to look forward to a little later. My mom and I are going over to Mesquite to get our haircut and going to have breakfast at the Cracker Barrel. I love their pecan pancakes.

Family Cabin

This is a picture of one of my favorite places in the whole world. Our family cabin in Ruidoso, NM. Growing up I would spend weeks here in the summer time with my grandparents and aunts. We had such a great time. This cabin was built in the 30's, so it is very rustic. I loved listening to the rain on the metal roof. There is a wonderful redwood deck out back that I just loved to sit on and read. It used to overlook the river, but for years the river has not had much water, and unfortunately businesses have been built that now block the view. At the bottom of the hill is a motel, so there was always alot of activity. When the cabin was first built it was pretty isolated, but not so much now. I remember the first time Steve went there he was rather disappointed. I had talked about the cabin for so many years and sitting on the deck and how relaxing it was. He thought the cabin was more isolated, and now from the deck you can just watch all the traffic drive through the city. But because of all my memories, it does not bother me. I do really miss the swing where I used to sit and write letters or notes. My grandfather's old outhouse is still there too, but it has sunken into the ground. Anyway...my aunt Gee Gee bought the cabin from her siblings and my grandmother and she keeps it up for all of us to still use. She wrote the other day that she did not know how much longer she would do that and might sell the property. What a sad day that will be! But, I know it is inevitable as the cabin cannot last forever. But my memories will, let me share some with you: My aunts taking us hiking up the hill for a pnut butter and jelly sandwich picnic; my brother getting bucked off a horse and having to have stiches; playing scrabble with my grandmother; playing gin rummy with my grandfather; roller skating at the skating rink for hours; eating crab apples; walking to the post office to get the mail; my brother throwing rocks off of the deck and breaking someone's car windows at the motel below; making and pulling taffy; working on jigsaw puzzles, petting horned toads and so many more. I haven't been to the cabin in about 6 years, I think this summer will be the perfect time to revisit before the time comes that I won't be able to.

Watched the U. S. Figure Skating Championships tonight, I grieved because it was the first time in so many years that Michelle Kwan was not part of the competition. She has to be my favorite skater of all time. I know they can't last forever. None of the current skaters captured my heart. Wonder if any of them will be around 10 years from now? The last time I felt like this was watching Andre Agassi play his last tennis game. Hard to think about tennis without him as well. I think maybe they should come up with senior categories for skating and tennis like they do golf, then I could still see my favorites. How about you? Have a favorite athlete?

Last week I posted about Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". For as long as I can remember God has always communicated with me in song. As I was getting ready today I was listening to my cable Contemporary Christian channel and a song came on I had never heard before. The artists name was Scott Krippayne and here are the lyrics
"Okay, I don't want to wake up today Guess I'm just a little bit afraid afraid to face the mess that I left behind yesterday Alright, after tossing and turning all night do I see a little sign of daylight I think I hear the words you're speaking to me I believe, I believe it's true every morning your mercies are new.
CHORUS: I'll be waking up early long before the sun, long before the sun I'll be waking up
early long before the sun, long before the sun to be with You.
My eyes have never seen such a perfect sunrise guess I really shouldn't be surprised but the way that You forgive me leaves me breathless and amazed I know it won't be long before tomorrow between now and then I'll probably stumble And I'll need your light of grace all over again I believe, I believe it's true every morning your mercies are new
CHORUS: I'll be waking up early long before the sun, long before the sun I'll be waking up
early long before the sun, long before the sun to be with You.
Great is Your faithfulness I can never get enough I don't want to miss a single second of Your love."

This song caught my ear and then penetrated my heart. Would I ever be so eager to meet with the Lord that I would get up before the sun came up not wanting to miss a single moment.
This gave me a new perspective on delighting in the Lord!

This morning I had a doctor's appointment at Downtown Baylor at 9:00 a.m., so I wnet down Greenville so as to miss the traffic on Central. Well, I don't know the name of the church I passed, but their marquee said "God said, kiss me I'm Irish". Is that not the dumbest thing? I just struck me the wrong way, not to mention it was smack dab in the middle of an African American community. I just wondered who's idea was this and what did they hope to accomplish? Anyway...everyone please be praying this week that my leg is strong enough to hold on it's own. The doctor undid all the struts today which means my leg is holding all the weight and not the frame. I return next Tuesday and if everything looks okay, then he will give me a removal date. It is nice to have a possible "light at the end of the tunnel".

This is a picture of my backyard fence and my alley neighbor's trees. A few days ago I walked by the sunroom window and it was just like overnight the trees were brillantly white. They were and still are beautiful. But unfortunately they wreck havoc with my swimming pool! About 5 years ago, Steve and I spent a significant amount of money to have alot of vegetation taken out of our backyard to increase the deck size, but mainly to make pool maintenance easier. Now every Fall and every Spring we spend weeks cleaning our neighbors leaves or blooms out of our pool. Don't you think it would be neighborly of them to offer to clean our pool for us? The truth of the matter is they have their own pool, so I can't even imagine how many more they have dropping in their pool. Anyway...fortunately this is only a problem for 6-8 weeks of the year and not in the summer when I really love my pool! In closing I just want to say Happy 83rd Birthday to my dad! We are so thankful that he is still here with us and God allowed us to share a birthday meal with him! May the days ahead continue to be ones filled with peace and joy for he and my mom.

I love Sunday nights! I have such fun with the 3-5 year olds at my church. I have them for 2 hours and the time just flies by. They make me laugh. They make me feel special. I love their hugs. Tonight was especially fun because we were able to go back out on the playground due to the time change and it being lighter outside and the great weather today. They are so proud of themselves when they cross the jungle gym on their own. Sydney won the "monkey" award tonight! They did a great job of remembering the 10 plagues we talked about last week. Another highlight of my day today was listening to Emery Heflin sing the books of the Old Testament to me. For those of you who don't know Emery she will be 3 in October!!!! She did such a great job. My favorite was 1 and 2 Comicals (Chronicles). Too precious!! Then her sister Matlaee (who is four) sang them for me as well. I am so thankful that there are parents who are taking the time at home to instill God's Word into their children's hearts, and I am even more thankful for those parents taking the time to share those precious children with me for a little while each week.

Don't remember if I have posted before about Don Piper's book "90 Minutes in Heaven". If you have not read it, it is very interesting. Not only was he declared dead for 90 minutes and spend time in Heaven, he ended up wearing a frame like mine and the book describes that experience as well. For Valentines Steve bought me a Daily Devotional book that was inspired by the "90 Minutes in Heaven" book. Yesterday, this caught my attention "So many of us grumble and complain when things go amok. I don't think that's totally wrong, afterall who wants to shout and rejoice over misery? But I do think we need to be consistent. If we are going to whine about the bad things then consistency says we need to pause and give thanks for the good things such as when we have a good day. Be thankful for the days we are free of pain and healthy. What about when we feel loved? Isn't it wonderful when someone makes us feel important? Isn't it marvelous to reach the end of a day and feel we've accomplished important things and we're now relaxed? Do we give thanks for our families? Do we rejoice that we have jobs? This list could become almost endless. Some of us may have to seek harder, but we can always find causes for giving thanks.
I love the attitude of Job. He lost just about everything in his life, but he held on with an upbeat attitude. His attitude was that if we're going to grab hold of the good in life, we must also accept the bad. Perhaps it's because we don't grasp the good and appreciate what we do have that we fall so emotionally low when the bad hits."

He then writes this prayer:
All-wise God, at times I don't know your will, even though I would like to know. Most of all, I need to know that you will give me the strength to get up every time life knocks me down. With your strength, I can keep on fighting and for this I thank you. Amen"

May I find the reasons in each day to praise my God for all the good things in my life.

Guess it is too idealistic to think that I can always post something that will be positive and uplifting? I have been sick since yesterday morning with some kind of intestinal bug. I am better tonight. I asked Steve to bring me a grilled cheese sandwich from Sonic. Definitely not as good as mine, and bless his heart he is allergic cheese. If I had asked him to make one, he would have, but even the smell of cheese bothers him, so I couldn't think of anywhere else to get one? When I was in the hospital there was a diner really close that made a great grilled cheese and Steve would get it for me every now and then. Well, Sonic does not toast theirs near long enough. I would have been better off just getting a cheese quesidilla from Taco Bell. Anyway...so far so good at it not coming out either end! So hopefully this was just a 24 hour bug and is gone. But I have done nothing except sleep and watch T.V., so nothing much to write. I am truly disappointed with American Idol this year! Unless someone just steps it up at notch there is no one that I am rooting for. Well, won't bore anymore, hopefully I will have a better post tomorrow. Oh yes, one neat thing that did happen is through an online chatroom of people wearing a frame like mine, I met a girl in El Paso that comes to Dallas and has the same doctor as me. I actually got to meet her after one of my appointments when she was in the hospital. She just emailed that she has a doctors appointment on Tuesday and will be getting her frame off on Wednesday. I also have an appointment on Tuesday so emailed her back to see if our times are close so we can meet again. I was born and raised in El Paso, so it has been a neat God connection because she is also a believer.

Tonight as I was waiting for dinner to finish cooking there was a pamphlet on our table called Our Journey. I picked it up and began reading only to find out it was a daily devotional book. Steve said he had been getting it, but didn't know who had sent it or how he got on the mailing list. Anyway. in the front cover were some quotes and this one by Beth Moore really stuck out to me. We glorify God to the degree we externalize the internal existence of the living Christ. She goes on to say in her article that God wants to make Himself recognizable to us and through us. She says that living a life that glorifies God is synonymous with living a life that reveals God. 2 Corinthians 3:18 says that we are all be transformed into the image of Christ. The prayer of my heart is that more and more I can remove less of me from the equation and allow the Lord to radiate from me and use me to be His presence here in this world. There are so many that need to know the wonderful life He has in store for them.

Today I did something else I had not done in 2 years. I went to the post office. First of all I have to say the Richardson Post office on Bowser and Apollo has to be the most inefficiently run post office I have ever been to. They usually only have two workers and the line is always to the door! Today was no different. I had to wait for the line to move up to even get in the door. I stood there for 20 minutes waiting for someone to take pity on me and tell me that I could go before them in line. Never happened. Seems like there should be some kind of special arrangement for handicapped people? I couldn't help but chuckle inside that we were all standing inside a sign that said this "It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." The good news? I made it!! I stood in line and actually mailed a package!! I do know that this journey that I am on has made me much more sensitive to accomodations for those that are handicapped. Saturday at the movies, I saw a mother trying to take her son out in his wheel chair at the end of the movie and she had to stand a wait for at least a dozen people coming down the stairs before someone just stopped on the stairs and let her go ahead and push her son out. I wanted to stand up and scream "Let the boy go by". Anyway...I pray that I will not forget the lessons I am learning and I will always look for ways to help the handicapped. I appreciate all the many doors that have been held open for me!

Part of my Sunday morning ritual is listening to Dr. Charles Stanley as I am getting dressed for worship. I like Dr. Stanley because He preaches very direct sermons that are very textual. This morning he said something that struck a cord with me. He was talking about the verse in Psalms 37:4-"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." It is one of the promise verses I have struggled with, but this morning Dr. Stanley's sermon led me to be confessional, that perhaps the reason I do not necessarily get the desires of my heart (which right now would be healing of my leg) is because I do not delight in the Lord. I love the Lord, and I think I am about the Lord's business, but do I delight in Him? Then in worship this morning we sang "My God And I" and there is the phrase "we walk and talk as good friend should and do". And I once again had to ask myself do I? I pray, but it is usually what I do when I am going to sleep at night and usually fall asleep while praying. If the only time I talked to my friends or Steve was when I was so tired that I fell to sleep talking to them would they feel I thought they were important? I don't think so. I do have some other times of prayer but not on a daily basis. I am afraid that if you looked at my habits they would say I delight more in television than I do in my God. I pray that today my heart has been pricked and I will truly delight in the Lord and spend more time in His word letting Him speak to me and more time in prayer talking and listening to Him. Not so that I will get the desires of my heart, only because I love Him and need to spend more time in that love relationship.

Steve and I had a nice day today. We got to eat breakfast at IHOP. I had cinnamon pancakes, yummy! Then we went to see the movie Amazing Grace. I left questioning what have I done in this life that has made a difference? There is so much injustice in this world and have I ever stood up against it? When I was a social worker, I did help abused children. But that was over 17 years ago. William Wilberforce made a difference. It took him over 15 years of being persistent, but he helped abolished slave trade. I thought it was a good movie, and it has made me want to research the story and find out more about this amazing man and his preacher friend who actually wrote the song "Amazing Grace". Hope you all have a wonderful day of worship with our awesome God tomorrow.

So anyone else watching "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader"? Oh my goodness, how humiliating is this show? I have a Masters in Education and cannot answer half of the questions. Guess it has just been way too long since I was in school!

On Wednesday Nights I teach a 5th and 6th grade girls class at church that we call God's Girls. We try to use this time to help these girls in their committment so that they can withstand the temptations in middleschool or junior high. I usually struggle with the balance of making this class fun, but trying to instill deep spiritual truths into their hearts. There are so many things I wish I would have known when I was their age. Yet, the reality is it has taken me many years to get to where I am, so how are they suppose to get it at such a young age? For a few weeks I have been reading them some stories of Christian Martyrs from Jesus Freaks as we have been talking about counting the cost of being a disciple of Christ. Tonight a light bulb went on in one of their heads and she said "you mean these are true stories?". Guess they had just thought they were fictional stories. Anyway...tonight's lesson centered around one of my least favorite verses in the Bible Revelation 3:15-16 "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth." The thought of me making Jesus sick because I am not pleasing Him is really hard to take. Yet, I am thankful that because of His sacrifice on the cross, His grace covers me and I am not judged by my works. Kind of hard to understand, but the point I wanted to make to the girls tonight is that Jesus would rather us not enter the game at all, than to enter the game and sit on the sidelines. We must count the cost and be willing to do our best to please Him. We are His representatives and He lives through us. Like I said, this is hard enough for me to comprehend, how do I explain it to these sweet girls? Fortunately, all I have to do is plant the seed and let the Holy Spirit take over in intrepreting it to them. One of the great blessings of teaching!!

Let me start by stating from my post yesterday, that just because I hadn't changed my sheets in 2 years, didn't mean that my sheets had not been changed in two years! Thanks for that laugh Becky!! Steve and my mom have been wonderful at keeping all the house things up for me all these many months. But my mom cannot do as much now that my dad is so ill, and I am getting stronger so can do some things for myself. Anyway, guess I should have explained that better.
About six months after my accident I typed Illizarov (the name of my frame) in Google and discovered that there is actually a web group for people wearing them. Since then I have been apart of those emails. They come from all over the world, from various ages. Some people have been wearing theirs for years, some for months and some are looking toward getting one in the future. Well, today, two guys have given up and are going to have their legs amputated. One has only had his on for 3 months?? The other has been struggling with his for four years!
It was interesting that their posts were the same but so different. Same in that they both were getting their right leg amputated from the knee down. Different in that the first guy was giving up in my opinion way too soon. The second guy I felt so very sad for because I know what he has gone through in the past 4 years hoping to keep his leg, and now to have to give it up after all this time. I remember when my doctor and I talked about amputation. It is not an easy discussion or decision. We decided we would do whatever it takes to keep my leg, so here we are 6 weeks away from the two year mark. Do I sometimes wonder if we made the right decision? No, as long as there is hope I can have a leg, I will take it. I can't imagine what it would be like to take part of your leg off and put it back on every day? A constant reminder of what was. I know it is a blessing for those who have no other choice. But right now I am thankful that I do have a choice. Today there was also a post from a guy in England who has been going through his leg journey for several years and this week they discovered a malignant tumor on his spine. They are pretty sure it is a secondary source of cancer and they still have to find the primary source. My heart hurts for him, so if you have the time say an extra prayer for Dave tonight.

I did something today that I have not done in close to 2 years. I removed the sheets from my bed, washed them and put them back on our bed. Yes, it took me 30 minutes to put the sheets back on the bed, and had to sit down twice and rest, but I did it!! Who would have thought I would feel such a sense of accomplishment with something that used to be so routine. I hope I have learned there is joy in just being able to do, and I won't ever complain about housework again, just rejoice in the ability to do it.

Okay, I have to admit I am sitting here watching the Academy Award Red Carpet. What is it that fascinates us all about the whole Hollywood scene? I know I am not the only one because there was a recent blog post and replies about keeping up by reading People or Us. I use to be able to say that I had seen all the Oscar Nominated movies, but not anymore. I am ashamed to say that the other day I rented on cable "Little Miss Sunshine" because it was nominated and some others had said it was so good. I should have turned it off, but kept saying "It has to get better", then when the grandfather died I thought "yeah, maybe now the f**** word will disappear", but I was wrong, it continued. I don't understand why that particular word has to be in the movies so much. In real life I don't know that I have ever heard that word said in my circle of influence (thank goodness). But nevertheless, why was this movie nominated as the best movie? What makes dysfunctional families notable? Anyway...the only other movie I saw on the Oscar list was "The Devil Wears Prada", Deb Tietjen and I agreed if you saw the trailers you saw the best part of this movie. I have to admit that I really enjoy the escape of movies, but struggle anymore to watch movies that will not violate Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." I wish I could say I was able to always let the scriptures prevail, but already admitted in the first of this blog that it isn't true. I am afraid I do way too much justifying. So how do you make those decisions?

I finished "How To Handle Adversity" today. Charles Stanley makes several good observations, but His basic conclusion is one I had already come to on this adventure. The bottom line is you chose to believe or not believe that God is who He says He is and He will or will not be faithful to all that He has promised. I do appreciate this thought "Our biggest weakness is God's biggest opportunity. God has allowed adversity in your life to loosen your dependence on your own strength. It is His desire that you depend on Him for those things you lack. He wants people through whom He can show off His mighty power. God is looking for men and women who are willing to take on challenges to difficult for them to handle, trusting Him to carry the load. He wants believers who become accustomed to weakness, but who draw daily upon the suffiency and power of Christ." May Satan not rob us of this experience by us being ashamed when we are weak, because like Paul said, it is only when we are weak that the Lord can be strong. It comes down to where do we have our eyes? On ourselves or on our almighty God.
Thank you to all of you who help me to keep my eyes on my God and remind me that there is actually power in going through adversity.

Tonight Steve and I went to visit Don Scott in the hospital. For those of you who may not know him, he is one of sweetest men on the entire earth! There has been a line of women for years that have said if our husbands died we would marry Don. Carolyn McBryde leads the pack. Of course Don is probably in his late 80's :) Anyway...what a blessing it was to spend time with him. It just reminded me of needing to be deliberate in spending time with those who are older than us because they have a perspective on life that we do not have yet. Time with them blesses me. There is a hymn that I have always liked that has the words "May all who come behind us find us faithful." It is faithful servants like Don that help me keep my eyes focused above and ahead. Don has such peace in his relationship with the Lord. I pray that he will be able to come home tomorrow like he plans. I can only pray that I will grow old as gracefully and faithfully as Don and other senior saints.

Today's post is for women only. Today I went and had a long overdue mammogram. I had been needing one since before my accident and then since then had just not wanted to mess with it. Then a few weeks ago I felt a lump, so could not procrastinate any longer. Fortunately, everything checked out okay. The doctor said the lump is something that happens from trauma and it is oil based. I could get it drained if I wanted, but as long as it wasn't bothering me I can just leave it alone. But what I most want to share is if any of you don't already have a place to go for your mammograms, I went to a new place today and it was wonderful!!! The Elizabeth Jekot, M.D. Breast Imaging Center it is on Renner near Shiloh. Dr. Jekot is a breast survivor herself. The staff is all women and she has great equipment. It didn't hurt one bit!! Since I had to had a sonogram as well, I laid on this table and the ceiling had twinkling lights like stars. It was so very peaceful. I appreciated that they gave you the results right on the spot. If you want more information about them you can go to www.jekotbreastimagingcenter.com. I will definitely be going back for my next one.

I don't remember if I shared that a dear friend in Houston sent me Charles Stanley's "How To Handle Adversity" back in January. I took it today to my doctor's appointment to continue reading. Dr. Stanley states that if we are experiencing adversity it is either because we need to grow spiritually, God is using us to help someone else know Him better, or He is diciplining us. I am trying to discern which one of these is true for my life right now? One problem I have with the disciplining thought, is that when a parent disciplines a child the child usually knows what they are being disciplined for. How does God let us know what we are being disciplined for? I would rather think He is maturing me than disciplining me. Then Steve read me something he read today in a book called "God On Mute", the author states that 5% of the Holocaust survivors who were atheist turned to God during the Holocaust, that equates to about 177,000 people! I find that amazing, that the very people that were living where they seemed no hope, actually found God! I don't think it was a coincidence, that I was struggling with the conclusions that Dr. Stanley has come to on adversity and then Steve comes in and reads me this amazing story. So my prayer is that as each day passes that I can believe more and more in James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." If I step out of my current circumstances, I know that I have given thanks for other adversity I have been through because I saw the positive outcomes it brought. I just need to be patient that this current time of adversity will produce good things as well and give God the time to reveal them to me.

I came across this verse today in Psalms 91:14-15 ""If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God, "I'll get you out of any trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party." It is verses like these that cause me to question what is going on in my life. If this is what God is promising, why am I not experiencing it? So then I start self blaming and self doubting my own faith and trust. It must not be enough or I would be experiencing the party He wants to throw me! So I become confessional and just hope that I will hold on to the promise in verses like this one and continue to grow in my faith and hold on for dear life!

Wow! I guess returning to work just wiped me out. Seems like all I have been able to do is sleep! Friday night I went to bed about 10:30 p.m. and woke up at 2:30 p.m. on Saturday!! Only to go back to sleep at 8:30 Saturday night and sleep till 7:00 a.m. Sunday morning. Just went through the motions of teaching the 3 year olds during Bible class and doing Children's Worship for 3-5 years olds. Asked Steve if we could just bring Taco Bell home for lunch, was back in bed by 1:30 and slept till 4:00!! You would think that I would just be bright and bushy tailed? But I feel like I am relapsing. Promised my mom I would make another call to the doctor tomorrow. Maybe I will wake up feeling better and not have to keep that promise. I am just so tired of doctors. Hopefully as the week progresses I will have something better to post.

Happy Valentine's Everyone! As you celebrate the day with those that you love, don't forget Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Isn't that a great thing to know?

My mom sent me this story today "A young, new teacher was walking with an older, more seasoned teacher in the garden one day. Feeling a bit insecure about what God had for him to do, he was asking the older teacher for some advice. The older teacher walked up to a rose bush and handed the young teacher a rosebud and told him to open it without tearing off any petals. The young teacher looked in disbelief at the older teacher and was trying to figure out what a rosebud could possibly have to do with his wanting to know the will of God for his life and ministry. But because of his great respect for the older teacher, he proceeded to try to unfold the rose, while keeping every petal intact...It wasn't long before he realized how impossible this was to do. Noticing the younger teacher's inability to unfold the rosebud without tearing it, the older teacher began to recite the following poem...It is only a tiny rosebud, A flower of God's design; But I cannot unfold the petals With these clumsy hands of mine. The secret of unfolding flowers Is not known to such as I. GOD opens this flower so sweetly, Then in my hands they die. If I cannot unfold a rosebud, This flower of God's design, Then how can I have the wisdom To unfold this life of mine? So I'll trust in Him for leading Each moment of my day. I will look to Him for His guidance Each step of the pilgrim way. The pathway that lies before me Only my Heavenly Father knows. I'll trust Him to unfold the moments, Just as He unfolds the rose." We all come to the place where we have to draw the line in the sand and decide do we trust or do we not? I am thankful that my mom and I can continue to affirm to one another that we choose to trust. Psalm 31:4 "But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God."

Today I have spent time researching hospice, cremation, wills, etc. It is way too much to wrap one's mind around. My dad has decided to no longer continue on dialysis (he has been on it since November). He is so at peace with his decision, as he just did not want to continue life by speding 3 days a week, 5 hours a day, hooked up to the machine. We are at peace with his decision. Today he said he is a winner now, each day he lives from now on is a gift and if he dies, he will be at home with the God he has loved and served faithfully. The hard part is for those of us that get left behind, especially my mom. They have had such a wonderful parntership, friendship, marriage and love affair. I can't even begin to imagine what is running through her mind. We are hoping to get a call from the VA, asap, that hospice is being arranged so that she can have that assistance since he is chosing to die at home. So once again I petition all those prayer warriors to please be lifting up this next journey we are about to take in your prayers. My specific prayer is that my dad can pass in peace without suffering, and that my mom will feel God's promised presence as her personal comforter.
I came across this story today by Henry Nouwen and thought it was a word from God to my dad, mom, me and the rest of our family today.
One day, I was sitting with Rodleigh, the leader of the troupe, in his caravan, talking about flying. He said, "As a flyer, I must have complete trust in my catcher, The public might think that I am the greatest star of the trapeze, but the real star is Joe, my catcher. He has to be there for me with split-second precision and grab me out of the air as I come to him in the long jump.""How does it work?" I asked."The secret," Rodleigh said, "is that the flyer does nothing and the catcher does everything: when I fly to Joe, I have simply to stretch out my arms and hands and wait for him to catch me and pull me safely over the apron behind the catchbar.""You do nothing!" I said, surprised."Nothing," Rodleigh repeated. "A flyer must fly, and a catcher must catch, and the flyer must trust, with outstretched arms, that his catcher will be there for him."When Rodleigh said this with so much conviction, the words of Jesus flashed through my mind: "Father into your hands I commend my Spirit." Dying is trusting in the catcher. To care for the dying is to say, "Don't be afraid. Remember that you are the beloved child of God. He will be there when you make your long jump. Don't try to grab him; he will grab you. Just stretch out your arms and hands and trust, trust, trust."

It is so hard to believe that a week ago to today I was in ER and being admitted to the hospital for this asthmatic bronchitis!! How in the world does time go by so fast when all you are doing is laying in bed??? I did get a little reading done today, but then fell asleep in the middle of one of the pages. I know I have posted about what a wonderful husband Steve is, but I have to give another example from tonight. Steve had to work late and had put in over 10 hours at work and asked what I wanted for dinner. A burger from Burger King sounded good with a vanilla shake. When he got home he realized that they had forgotten the vanilla shake. I told him no problem. He left the bedroom and I assumed was in the kitchen eating. I yelled out the answer to the Wheel of Fortune puzzle (as we play against each other each night) and knew he did not answer, right then I thought "I bet he went to get me a shake". Sure enough in about 15 minutes he returned with a shake, a Burger King shake. Now you have to understand that is no Burger King close to our house, but on his way home from work. I said,
"Did you go all the way back down there?", "No", he said, "I went to the one over off Campbell and I-75". Bless his little heart. Don't know why if he was going to make the extra trip he didn't make it easy on himself and just go across the street to Arby's or Sonic? But that is Steve always trying to please me. I try to be gracious and thankful for this type of loving gesture, but just hate that he seems to make things so hard on himself. I have told him a couple of times that we are like that O'Henry story where the husband sells his watch to buy his wife combs for her long hair, and she cuts her long hair to buy him a chain for his watch.
Anyway...I am thankful for such a selfless husband. Oh, did I mention the shake was chocolate and not vanilla? Didn't have the heart to ask him what he ordered, just took it and enjoyed every sip of his love in it!!

Well, today I am praising God for Nyquil!!!! I actually got 11 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night after taking a dose. I had asked Steve to stop and get some on his way home from work, because nothing else was working and in times past Nyquil had done the trick. I was thankful for the night's rest!!
One of the the things I like about blogging is the collective wisdom that comes from replies. Today I read a reply Heather wrote and it was exactly what I needed to hear from the Lord today. She has been doing a Beth Moore bible study and had come across this quote today "sometimes it seems like God answers prayers in a way that shows His supremacy and sometimes He answers prayers in a way that shows His sufficiency...He is never leaving...". Supremacy vs. Sufficiency, this is so true! Thanks Heather for the reminder! May we all understand our role in the community of believers in helping one another keep our eyes on the omnipresesence of our loving God!

Patience has never been my strongest virtue. Perhaps that is why it seems to take so long for me to the learn the lessons God has had in store for me. This cough is really getting old. How do I adjust my attitude about that? How do I find the joy in that? So this is my current struggle. In regards to yesterday's post about dreams. There have been times that I have had dreams for physical healing and those are the dreams that from my earthly perspective God has not chosen to come true. I prayed that He would cause this cough to stop and allow me to go on the women's retreat. There is no way not to interpret that prayer as an outright "no", afterall here I sit. In 1992 I had to have a partial hysterectomy because of overactive endometriosis and an ovarian cyst. The doctor's told me that the odds of me being able to get pregnant were very small, but they had left in place one ovary and one tube (on opposite sides) and that while it would not be probable, it would be possible for God to do if He so chose. Then in 1998 when I got the cervical cancer and had to have a total hysterectomy, that dream of being able to birth children was gone forever. Both times Steve and I prayed for other means to work so that reproductive organs would not have to be removed. Both times, it happened anyway. It seems that God's direct answer again was "no". The "why's" have abounded. For years to come we have asked why it would not be God's will that we would have children? Acceptance has come, but I would be less than honest if I didn't say the "why's" don't occassionally come. The hardest times are when I go to the hospital to visit families with newborn babies. I usually walk away feeling a hole in my heart. So this is one dream I don't have an answer for and probably will not until God finally reveals it to me. But I have accepted that for whatever reason it was not His best for me and I wait and trust for Him to one day show me the "why's".
It is rather hard to write about all this and really explain the faith struggle in all of life. I am sure you all know it as well. It may seem like I have been strong, but I have just as many "bad" days as I have "good" days. I have days where I question instead of accept, days that I mumble instead of rejoice, days that I even question the very existence of God. That question has never been verbalized as much as it has in the past two years though. When I first woke up from my coma, it was very appearant that prayer was the only thing that was going to get me through as I had so far to go. We saw God answer prayers like getting out of ICU in 3 days and getting into rehab much sooner than anticipated. Getting moved into a private room much sooner than anticipated. Some injuries were healing other's were taking more time than we wanted, but we could continually see progress. I remember the first big disappointment was when I wanted to pass the swallowing test so bad. For days I had been able to not even chew ice. I prayed most of the night before the test and failed it. I was so confident God would answer that prayer the way I wanted it answered. But he didn't, it would be another week or so before I was able to try the test again and in the meantime had to intake this awful stuff called "thicken up" and suck on lemon flavored q-tips. During this time I found that singing praise songs in my head would get me through most anything. I kept gaining strength, trying to focus on the positives and not the negatives. Was doing better and better, left rehab saw the light at the end of the tunnel and WHAM, the bone infection. How could it be? I thought if there was ever a time for prayer, this was it, and believe me so very many people were praying faithfully for me! There is the verse in James 5:14-15, "Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up." The elders at RE believe in prayer and I had been with them when they had annointed others with oil. It was time for me to ask them to do that for me as I did not want to have bone removed because of an infection. So we met, they prayed and annointed me and I stood in complete confidence that God would answer this prayer, after all He said the prayer offered in faith would make the sick person well. Well, in this case it did not. I had an infection, had to have the operation and remove two inches of bone and was sent back to square one with my leg, no weightbearing, etc. I was devastated. This was the first time in my life I can remember feeling so lost, in such a dark place. Singing praise songs or listening to them has always helped me when I am low. Not this time. Nothing was working, not even an antidepressant. The question that kept coming up for me was "how can a God who is able to do anything, just choose not to?". I had not doubted His ability or power. Afterall, the God who raises the dead can heal a leg bone. But He chose not too. One of the things that really bothered me is that every time I saw children at church, they would tell me they were praying for me. I wanted them to see their prayers were being answered. I had no explanations, no testimonies of "see, this is why we pray". I actually went through a time of not praying because it no longer mattered. But then I read Phillip Yancey's book "Disappointment with God". It really helped. I started praising God regardless of my understanding. Knowing that I may not know the "why's" now, but trusting that God still had me in the palm of His hands and was doing His best for me. To be truthful the other factor that helped is I hated being out of the light. The darkness just kept getting darker and I did not want to stay there. So we were back on the road to recovery and trusting God, once again things were going well and WHAM, now the bone is bowing and I will have to back into the fixator again. So here we are two months into that process. Wish I could say I had better answers this time, but I don't. Once again the "why's" abound.
One thing I am convinced of is God is big enough to handle my "why's", I don't hold anything back from Him. He isn't giving me any answers yet, and maybe he won't. I am doing my best to continue to "trust in Him and not in my own understanding", Proverbs 3:5. Today I read this verse and it hit me between the eyes, James 1:2-4-" Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." So the quest now is to be mature and complete, lacking nothing and if I must endure this to recieve that, so be it!
I know this is a long post. But I have to tell you this. In looking up that last passage online to put here, I accidently typed in I Peter:1:2-4. Look at what verses 3-5 says in the Message, "What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all—life healed and whole." So leave it to my Ephesians 3:20 God to wait till I am writing a lengthy post on a blog to reveal part of the "why" to me!!!! Praise be to my God and Father!!! I will have a day that is coming when I'll have it all-LIFE HEALED AND WHOLE!!!!!

Well, I think I am a little better today, although I could not quit coughing long enough last night to get any significant sleep. Have been able to get a couple of hours here and there today. I just can't seem to get this cough to break up. So...we contine the breathing treatments. As I said yesterday, I had been asked to speak on a panel at our Ladies Retreat today. The title of the retreat is "Got Dreams? Embracing God's Dreams for you. I will reflect on some of the questions here. Mostly for my own sake, but hopefully some of my experiences might help you draw closer to God and glorify Him. That would be my prayer.

Question 1: Describe your dream that has turned out differently than you had hoped or imagined.
This was going to be the hardest of the questions for me because it seems in my life God has been a God of surprises and for the most part has detoured me from numerous dreams to see his ideal for me. Here are just a few of the dreams:
1. Wanted a baby sister
2. Wanted a father who would journey with us in our Christian walk
3. Wanted a Christian husband
4. Wanted to work for Christian Children's Home as a Social Worker
5. Wanted to open a small group home for girls
6. Wanted children
7. Wanted to be a full time paid Children's Minister
8. Wanted to be healed from cervical cancer
9. Wanted bone in my leg to heal.

Obviously way too many dreams to comment on. So I am going to choose #2 and #3 because they are related.

Question 2: How has this dream changed? What does it look like in today's reality?
When I was 12 my parents got divorced, never what a child bargains for. The reasons for their divorce are not relevant to this post, but the fact that my birth father did not share our Christian beliefs did impact that decision. Three years later my mother remarried and God gave six children (me and my two brothers, my two stepsisters and stepbrothers) a wondeful God fearing father. And with a big sense of humor we were 16,15,15,14,13 and 6!! I didn't have long to live in that home before I went off to college, but because of my parents committment to the Lord we all became a family. My dad went on to study ministry and became a preacher for over 15 years. Full of wisdom and love for the Lord he loved me unconditionally. What I learned about God's love through Him could fill a book! Most of all is that even though I am not of his blood he loves me as though I am. I have never felt like a step child, I am his daughter in every way. I was determined that I was going to find a husband like him who loved God the way he did and would love me the way he loved my mom. I was engaged twice before I met Steve trying not to wait for God's best but to settle just to be married. Fortunately, things happened and those marriages did not come to be. Just when I thought God was not going to bring me a husband and I would have to accept that relationship with Him alone is always enough, He brought Steve into my life. We were both 36 at the time! That whole story is a book too, but suffice it to say Steve is the most wonderful Godly husband any woman could have!! Talk about loving unconditionally! He accepted so much from my past that he did not have to accept, he loved me even with all my weight, he continues to love me and forgive me when I don't have a loving spirit or my spirit is too critical. He has been the spiritual leader that I had longed for. He keeps my eyes focused on the prize. He prays for me and with me. He is so much better at the spiritual disciplines than I am that he challenges me in that area. Then these last two years!!!! What can I say about the countless hours he has spent serving my every whim, taking such good care of me! Loving me, encouraging me, giving me the courage to keep fighting. I love him more than I ever thought possible! I have all confidence that he will always do his best to keep his vows to me, one of which was to keep Ephesians 5:25 and love me the way Christ loved the church.

Question 3: What was the hardest part in adjusting to the reality in contrast to your dream?
Having the patience to wait on God's timing. I wanted to take matters in my own hands and do it my way. When I surrendered to God's way and timing He gave me the very best.

Question 4: Is there a particular scripture or spiritual concept you could share that God has given you that has helped? Jeremiah 29:11-For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Knowing God has the plan releases my need to control. The fullfillment of that plan has led me to the scripture I have at the head of my blog. God's promise-Ephesians 3:20-21-God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us."(the Message)

Question 5: What is the biggest blessing you’ve experienced through the changed reality of your life dreams? That God's best is always much more than anything I could dream up on my own.

Question 6: Is there a benefit/blessing you have gained, the discovery of which would make you say that it has been worth the pain and/or the struggle? It make take some hindsight to see it, but to see God's plans will far exceed my own plans or ideas. There are definitely some other dreams which have yet to come true that I constantly have to remind myself of this truth. Perhaps I will share one or two of them in the days to come.

So if you haven't heard. I didn't get better, I actually got worse. Wednesday afternoon I called the doctor and told him nothing was working and I was wheezing so bad I could not get my breath. He told me I would need to go to ER and get a breathing treatment. A trip to the hospital? Just what I need another hospital experience. We went to Baylor Garland because I have been admitted there before, they do a good job and have private rooms. Well after sitting in ER for four hours, I don't know that that was the best decision. I was amazing how many people were there for relatively simple things like colds and flu. I don't know why they don't go to Docs in the Box? Steve said because most of them don't have insurance and ER rooms have to give them service. Anyway after 4 hours they diagnosed me with asthmatic bronchitis. After giving me a breathing treatment, there was no difference and my oxygen levels were too low so they said they would have to admit me. Then they couldn't find any open rooms. So after arriving at the hospital at 5:30 p.m. I was finally in a room at 2:00 a.m. by the time the doctor checked me out, the nurses did their duties it was 3:30!! Then at 6:00 all the new staff came and it all started over. So needless to say I was exhausted. But all day Thursday everytime I tried to sleep I coughed and woke myself up. Because my oxygen levels got stable the doctor said I could come home today and they would send and Nebulizer home with me and I could continue the breathing treatments here. I welcomed coming home, because even if I wasn't much better, I wouldn't have all the nurses interruptions to deal with in trying to get some rest. Don't get me wrong I am thankful for what they do, but they just couldn't seem to coordinate their visits with when I was coughing instead of when I was actually sleeping :) I am most bummed in that I was suppose to be leaving for our annual Ladies Retreat out in East Texas. It is a beautiful fern wooded camp on a lake. I go every year and it is just so much fun to be with all the women and have time to catch up with each other in an extended time. Not to mention just the extra time with the Lord as well. They had asked me to be on a panel to talk about what you do when your dreams don't come true. I will spend some time tomorrow posting what I thought I might be saying to those questions, just in case anyone is interested. In the meantime I was brought to tears tonight as I got a phone call from the ladies and they sang to me "We love you with the love of the Lord". How sweet was that? And now you know why I will desperately miss being with them all this weekend!!