Patience has never been my strongest virtue. Perhaps that is why it seems to take so long for me to the learn the lessons God has had in store for me. This cough is really getting old. How do I adjust my attitude about that? How do I find the joy in that? So this is my current struggle. In regards to yesterday's post about dreams. There have been times that I have had dreams for physical healing and those are the dreams that from my earthly perspective God has not chosen to come true. I prayed that He would cause this cough to stop and allow me to go on the women's retreat. There is no way not to interpret that prayer as an outright "no", afterall here I sit. In 1992 I had to have a partial hysterectomy because of overactive endometriosis and an ovarian cyst. The doctor's told me that the odds of me being able to get pregnant were very small, but they had left in place one ovary and one tube (on opposite sides) and that while it would not be probable, it would be possible for God to do if He so chose. Then in 1998 when I got the cervical cancer and had to have a total hysterectomy, that dream of being able to birth children was gone forever. Both times Steve and I prayed for other means to work so that reproductive organs would not have to be removed. Both times, it happened anyway. It seems that God's direct answer again was "no". The "why's" have abounded. For years to come we have asked why it would not be God's will that we would have children? Acceptance has come, but I would be less than honest if I didn't say the "why's" don't occassionally come. The hardest times are when I go to the hospital to visit families with newborn babies. I usually walk away feeling a hole in my heart. So this is one dream I don't have an answer for and probably will not until God finally reveals it to me. But I have accepted that for whatever reason it was not His best for me and I wait and trust for Him to one day show me the "why's".
It is rather hard to write about all this and really explain the faith struggle in all of life. I am sure you all know it as well. It may seem like I have been strong, but I have just as many "bad" days as I have "good" days. I have days where I question instead of accept, days that I mumble instead of rejoice, days that I even question the very existence of God. That question has never been verbalized as much as it has in the past two years though. When I first woke up from my coma, it was very appearant that prayer was the only thing that was going to get me through as I had so far to go. We saw God answer prayers like getting out of ICU in 3 days and getting into rehab much sooner than anticipated. Getting moved into a private room much sooner than anticipated. Some injuries were healing other's were taking more time than we wanted, but we could continually see progress. I remember the first big disappointment was when I wanted to pass the swallowing test so bad. For days I had been able to not even chew ice. I prayed most of the night before the test and failed it. I was so confident God would answer that prayer the way I wanted it answered. But he didn't, it would be another week or so before I was able to try the test again and in the meantime had to intake this awful stuff called "thicken up" and suck on lemon flavored q-tips. During this time I found that singing praise songs in my head would get me through most anything. I kept gaining strength, trying to focus on the positives and not the negatives. Was doing better and better, left rehab saw the light at the end of the tunnel and WHAM, the bone infection. How could it be? I thought if there was ever a time for prayer, this was it, and believe me so very many people were praying faithfully for me! There is the verse in James 5:14-15, "Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up." The elders at RE believe in prayer and I had been with them when they had annointed others with oil. It was time for me to ask them to do that for me as I did not want to have bone removed because of an infection. So we met, they prayed and annointed me and I stood in complete confidence that God would answer this prayer, after all He said the prayer offered in faith would make the sick person well. Well, in this case it did not. I had an infection, had to have the operation and remove two inches of bone and was sent back to square one with my leg, no weightbearing, etc. I was devastated. This was the first time in my life I can remember feeling so lost, in such a dark place. Singing praise songs or listening to them has always helped me when I am low. Not this time. Nothing was working, not even an antidepressant. The question that kept coming up for me was "how can a God who is able to do anything, just choose not to?". I had not doubted His ability or power. Afterall, the God who raises the dead can heal a leg bone. But He chose not too. One of the things that really bothered me is that every time I saw children at church, they would tell me they were praying for me. I wanted them to see their prayers were being answered. I had no explanations, no testimonies of "see, this is why we pray". I actually went through a time of not praying because it no longer mattered. But then I read Phillip Yancey's book "Disappointment with God". It really helped. I started praising God regardless of my understanding. Knowing that I may not know the "why's" now, but trusting that God still had me in the palm of His hands and was doing His best for me. To be truthful the other factor that helped is I hated being out of the light. The darkness just kept getting darker and I did not want to stay there. So we were back on the road to recovery and trusting God, once again things were going well and WHAM, now the bone is bowing and I will have to back into the fixator again. So here we are two months into that process. Wish I could say I had better answers this time, but I don't. Once again the "why's" abound.
One thing I am convinced of is God is big enough to handle my "why's", I don't hold anything back from Him. He isn't giving me any answers yet, and maybe he won't. I am doing my best to continue to "trust in Him and not in my own understanding", Proverbs 3:5. Today I read this verse and it hit me between the eyes, James 1:2-4-" Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." So the quest now is to be mature and complete, lacking nothing and if I must endure this to recieve that, so be it!
I know this is a long post. But I have to tell you this. In looking up that last passage online to put here, I accidently typed in I Peter:1:2-4. Look at what verses 3-5 says in the Message, "What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all—life healed and whole." So leave it to my Ephesians 3:20 God to wait till I am writing a lengthy post on a blog to reveal part of the "why" to me!!!! Praise be to my God and Father!!! I will have a day that is coming when I'll have it all-LIFE HEALED AND WHOLE!!!!!