Questioning God

There are times in our life that we go through something that rocks our world as we know it and the doors to our heart of faith are rattled. The last month has been another one of those times for me. For 3 1/2 years we have known that we were living on borrowed time when it came to my father. So it wasn't the fact that he was going to die that was difficult. We wanted him to win the victory he has been fighting for. But I guess I always just thought he would die peacefully in his sleep. And for sure I had never even contemplated what it would be like to be with him when he took his last breath. Well, for almost 2 weeks I was with my father during his last days because he had a series of strokes that left him unable to be mobile and my mom needed help. It was so hard watching him no longer be able to use his right hand, but even worse was when he could no longer speak and would get so frustrated trying. But that pails in comparison to his last few days where he was not in control of anything and in so much pain. God would give us a few bright moments when he was able to say something that we could understand. But most of the time we just tried to keep him comfortable with morphine. The more and more I prayed that God would take him home, the more and more frustrated I became that God just left him in pain. It just seemed that God had abandoned us. I had to keep telling myself that that was not true because God promises to never leave us or forsake us at least five different times in the Bible, including Hebrews 13:5. I just couldn't understand how a God of love, kindness and compassion, would let someone endure such turmoil and pain in their final hours? Where was that "peace that passes all understanding?" What was I suppose to be learning? I kept saying "I will trust, even though You don't feel very trustworthy right now". Then I finally started talking to Satan and telling him to leave that he was not going to win.

Don't you find it difficult when God doesn't conform to your preconcieved idea of who He is? I imagine He just sits up in heaven and shakes His head and says "I wonder if she will ever get it, I AM God and she is not". Sometimes I wish that He would just answer my questions, and yet why do I think He should? Isn't that what Job wanted? Like God owes me any answers??? No, but wouldn't He just like to share some with me? Who am I kidding? Even if He did answer, He is God, would I even understand His answers??

Then for the past 10 days we have been with Steve's mother who is also having health problems. She said over and over again "I just want this to be over with, I want to go see Herb" (her husband who passed 7 years ago) Then on top of everything else she started having nightmares that she could not distinguish between reality and a dream. They bothered her throughout the day. Interesting that she could remember every day at exactly 5:00 to take a pill, but could not understand that she needed to change her Depends every day. It was so hard watching her not be able to do the easiest of things on her own.

So once again I am talking to God. God, why does this have to be so hard? Why do these sweet little people have to leave this earth in such a hard way? Isn't death suppose to be a good thing? How do you keep your eye on the prize, when things are so awful? I remember at one time my father's favorite saying was "Hallelujah anyway". I don't remember him being able to say that at the end. So once again it is just hard not to question God and ask Him where He is in the midst of suffering.
When we are younger suffering can teach us some lessons and even draw us closer to God. But when your mind is not what it once was you don't learn anything from suffering. You can't even begin to question what the purpose must be. So then it is left to those around to process.

I have no answers, just more questions, but this I do know. God doesn't mind my questions. He understands that I have them. This is the fine line. Demanding an answer. God owes me nothing. He is God and I am not. I have no other choice but to trust that His reasons are perfect because they can be no less. There is so much suffering in this world. I can wish that the elderly didn't have to suffer, but then what about children? What about those in 3rd world countries? What about those who are trapped in bodies that do not work at all but their minds are sharp? Or what about those whose minds are not sharp but their bodies work fine? In this world there is all sorts of suffering and no one is immune. Why does God allow it?? I have no idea, but it makes me look even more anxiously towards heaven, not just because there will be no pain or sorrow there, but because all things will be made known. Will it matter? Maybe not....but I just see myself with a big smile on my face nodding and affirming "yep....you are God and I am not". In the meantime I will remind myself that "only when the night is darkest can you see the morning star." (Larry Crabb, in 66 Love Letters)