Blogging Through The Alphabet: "N" is for Never Once

Week 14 of the challenge of Blogging Through the Alphabet Challenge by Through The Calm and Through the Storm and Adventures With Jude. This week the letter is "N".  I had been thinking of what I would blog about and then in worship yesterday we sang one of my most favorite songs and I thought "Oh I can blog about 'Never Once'".

A few years ago I was asked to give my testimony at a Ladies Retreat and I had decided to use Matt Redman's Song, "Never Once" as the theme for my talk.  If you are new to my blog you don't know much of my story, but suffice it to say God has brought me through many trials, which I shared at that retreat and was able to testify that through it all "Never Once" was I ever left alone to face those trials by myself.  God has always proved Himself to be faithful.  I actually blogged about that fact and the "Never Once" song on May 4, 2012 (if you want you can find that post here http://lynnslittlelessons.blogspot.com/search?q=%22never+once.

If you are going through a trial and want some hope and to be uplifted go listen to Matt's song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1bXG4WIesA

I always enjoy reading the stories behind songs and here you can read why Matt Redman wrote the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dR77PdCiU68

Just in case you don't have time to go out to the links, here are the lyrics:
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Is Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

I hope that you can also say with full assurance that "Never Once" have you ever had to walk alone and if you can't I hope you will come to that realization that you are desperately loved by a God who wants to walk beside you every step.  And even though it is hard to understand at times the "why's" of a situation He is allowing you to go through that the saying is true "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it." His purposes are always perfect and for our benefit. 

I was just wondering since it was "Never Once" can this also count as my "O" post ? :-)

Great Is His Faithfulness

A couple of weeks ago in worship we sang the song "Never Once".  Just in case you have never heard it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1bXG4WIesA

I have not been able to get the song out of my mind.  Many times when I have awakened during the night, I start singing it.  I think God wants me to remember that never once I have walked through a trial by myself.  I know that I have written this before, but one of the things I have learned through the years is that I cannot be guided by my feelings, I have to be guided by what I know.  Only what I know is Truth.  So I am continually singing "You are faithful, God you are faithful".

It is amazing to grasp that truth, that never once have I ever had to walk alone.  He doesn't promise that I won't be on a battleground, but when I am, He will be giving me the strength to fight and keep walking.  I am carried by His constant grace.  Every step I am breathing in His grace and every breath I will be singing  out His praise.

I look back on my life and there has been so many times that I had to rely on God's strength to get me through. I confess that most often my response is "Really, again God?"  Instead, I need to say "It's okay because, just like you walked me through in the past, you will walk me through today and forever more".  There is great comfort in that Truth and therefore I can "count it all joy" when I face this battle I am currently in and the ones that are yet to come.

I think this song was an answer to my heart cry of my last two blog posts.  I am forever thankful that God speaks to me through music.  I want to learn to hear Him speaking just as loudly through His Word.  In order to do that, I need to read His Word at least as often as I listen to music!  Thank you God for your patience with me as I continue to learn and declare that "You are faithful, God you are faithful".

P.S. I also love this clip where Matt Redman talks about why he wrote the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dR77PdCiU68

God Does It Again

Those of you that know me very well, know that often times God speaks to me through song. Today was another instance, except that the message didn't just come once, but several times. First when I was dressing this morning I had the T.V. on to the Contemporary Christian station. A song came on that I had not heard before.
"Before The Morning" by Josh Wilson, the words just spoke to my heart.

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

I loved the line "cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming".

So then in worship this morning the sermon was about Moses and how God proved to him in several different ways how He was there for him. Whatever excuse Moses had, God showed him His power and provision. God is "I AM" because He is always enough. But then came the crowning moment in the morning for me. We sang "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

(Chorus)

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

All I could do was cry. It was a Zephaniah 3:17 moment, and I cried because God was singing over me. It was no longer "you will never let go" but "I will never let go". And the promise "and there will be an end to these troubles". I am counting on it!!

BUT.....that is not the end of the story!! Yes, this is a long post, but stay with me. This afternoon I was reading the chapter in Chuck Swindoll's book "The Man of Passion and Destiny: David" that we would be looking at in life group tonight. Steve and I had just got the book this week. After reading tonight's chapter, I decided to read last week's chapter entitled "A Song of Triumph". >In talking about David's life Chuck Swindoll says "David sums up his life in four themes, four expressions that weave their way through this psalm of praise (2 Samuel 22)
1. When times are tough,God is our only security. (22:2-3, 7)
22:20 "He rescued me, because He delighted in me"
2. When our days are dark, God is our only light. (22:29)
Swindoll gives a great example of the process of floundering and then he says 'The same is true of the light we receive from God. At times we flounder along trying to peer too far into the darkness ahead. Yet He gives us just enough light so that we can see to take the next step. That's all He gives, and in reality, that's all we need.'
3. When our walk is weak, God is our only strength. (22:33-36)
4. When our future is foggy or fuzzy, God is our only hope." (22:51)

So thank you God for doing it again. I am sorry You have to hit me in the head with a frying pan for me to get it, but there was no doubt that today you were sending me a message that I will not forget and today I say like David:
"The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God, the Rock, my Savior!"

Questioning God

There are times in our life that we go through something that rocks our world as we know it and the doors to our heart of faith are rattled. The last month has been another one of those times for me. For 3 1/2 years we have known that we were living on borrowed time when it came to my father. So it wasn't the fact that he was going to die that was difficult. We wanted him to win the victory he has been fighting for. But I guess I always just thought he would die peacefully in his sleep. And for sure I had never even contemplated what it would be like to be with him when he took his last breath. Well, for almost 2 weeks I was with my father during his last days because he had a series of strokes that left him unable to be mobile and my mom needed help. It was so hard watching him no longer be able to use his right hand, but even worse was when he could no longer speak and would get so frustrated trying. But that pails in comparison to his last few days where he was not in control of anything and in so much pain. God would give us a few bright moments when he was able to say something that we could understand. But most of the time we just tried to keep him comfortable with morphine. The more and more I prayed that God would take him home, the more and more frustrated I became that God just left him in pain. It just seemed that God had abandoned us. I had to keep telling myself that that was not true because God promises to never leave us or forsake us at least five different times in the Bible, including Hebrews 13:5. I just couldn't understand how a God of love, kindness and compassion, would let someone endure such turmoil and pain in their final hours? Where was that "peace that passes all understanding?" What was I suppose to be learning? I kept saying "I will trust, even though You don't feel very trustworthy right now". Then I finally started talking to Satan and telling him to leave that he was not going to win.

Don't you find it difficult when God doesn't conform to your preconcieved idea of who He is? I imagine He just sits up in heaven and shakes His head and says "I wonder if she will ever get it, I AM God and she is not". Sometimes I wish that He would just answer my questions, and yet why do I think He should? Isn't that what Job wanted? Like God owes me any answers??? No, but wouldn't He just like to share some with me? Who am I kidding? Even if He did answer, He is God, would I even understand His answers??

Then for the past 10 days we have been with Steve's mother who is also having health problems. She said over and over again "I just want this to be over with, I want to go see Herb" (her husband who passed 7 years ago) Then on top of everything else she started having nightmares that she could not distinguish between reality and a dream. They bothered her throughout the day. Interesting that she could remember every day at exactly 5:00 to take a pill, but could not understand that she needed to change her Depends every day. It was so hard watching her not be able to do the easiest of things on her own.

So once again I am talking to God. God, why does this have to be so hard? Why do these sweet little people have to leave this earth in such a hard way? Isn't death suppose to be a good thing? How do you keep your eye on the prize, when things are so awful? I remember at one time my father's favorite saying was "Hallelujah anyway". I don't remember him being able to say that at the end. So once again it is just hard not to question God and ask Him where He is in the midst of suffering.
When we are younger suffering can teach us some lessons and even draw us closer to God. But when your mind is not what it once was you don't learn anything from suffering. You can't even begin to question what the purpose must be. So then it is left to those around to process.

I have no answers, just more questions, but this I do know. God doesn't mind my questions. He understands that I have them. This is the fine line. Demanding an answer. God owes me nothing. He is God and I am not. I have no other choice but to trust that His reasons are perfect because they can be no less. There is so much suffering in this world. I can wish that the elderly didn't have to suffer, but then what about children? What about those in 3rd world countries? What about those who are trapped in bodies that do not work at all but their minds are sharp? Or what about those whose minds are not sharp but their bodies work fine? In this world there is all sorts of suffering and no one is immune. Why does God allow it?? I have no idea, but it makes me look even more anxiously towards heaven, not just because there will be no pain or sorrow there, but because all things will be made known. Will it matter? Maybe not....but I just see myself with a big smile on my face nodding and affirming "yep....you are God and I am not". In the meantime I will remind myself that "only when the night is darkest can you see the morning star." (Larry Crabb, in 66 Love Letters)

Missing My Father This Father's Day

They say that grief comes in waves and it is so true. I wasn't prepared for how hard this Father's Day would be without my father. Missed him on Thanksgiving, Christmas, his birthday, but wowser I really missed him today. Steve and I have always found Mother's Day and Father's Day a contemplative day anyway, because we were not blessed with children. But to add to it not having my father here to celebrate with made it even more difficult. I also felt so guilty because Steve's father has been gone for about 7 years and I never once realized how difficult this day was for him. Guess men just don't verbalize their feelings like we women do.

Anyway....I spent alot of the day sleeping in hopes that I would dream about my daddy, but I didn't. So being awake was better, because I could just think of some of my favorite memories.

Some of my favorite times with my dad were when we would go fishing together. He was always so patient with me, and while I could bait my own hook, he was always so good to clean my fish.

But my most favorite times were just sitting and talking about God and the Bible. He loved to preach and He had such a love for sharing God's Word. I wish I had recorded some of those conversations, or had some of his sermons. He was such a humble servant and never thought he was very eloquent. But he spoke volumes with his life. He was the epitomy of the old saying "I would rather see a sermon, than hear one anyday." He walked the walk.

The thing that helps the most is knowing Daddy is where he always longed to be, with His God. I can't wait to join him and hearing him singing bass (another dream of his). I am so thankful that I am left with so many memories to cherish and that I don't have any regrets and nothing was left undone. He knew I loved him and I knew he loved me.

In looking up the quote about the sermon, I found it is actually a poem and I post it in my Father's honor.

Sermons We See

Edgar Guest

I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day;

I'd rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way.

The eye's a better pupil and more willing than the ear,

Fine counsel is confusing, but example's always clear;

And the best of all the preachers are the men who live their creeds,

For to see good put in action is what everybody needs.

I soon can learn to do it if you'll let me see it done;

I can watch your hands in action, but your tongue too fast may run.

And the lecture you deliver may be very wise and true,

But I'd rather get my lessons by observing what you do;

For I might misunderstand you and the high advise you give,

But there's no misunderstanding how you act and how you live.

When I see a deed of kindness, I am eager to be kind.

When a weaker brother stumbles and a strong man stays behind

Just to see if he can help him, then the wish grows strong in me.

To become as big and thoughtful as I know that friend to be.

And all travelers can witness that the best of guides today

Is not the one who tells them, but the one who shows the way.

One good man teaches many, men believe what they behold;

One deed of kindness noticed is worth forty that are told.

Who stands with men of honor learns to hold his honor dear,

For right living speaks a language which to every one is clear.

Though an able speaker charms me with his eloquence, I say,

I'd rather see a sermon than to hear one, any day.

Ruidoso Flood

We arrived in Ruidoso on July 26th, it had started raining on us between Santa Fe and there, but was not raining much when we arrived. We all went out to dinner and then went to the family cabin to check in on relatives. While there it began to rain and we left about 10:00 p.m. while it was still drizzling. When we went to bed I knew it was still raining and opened the windows thinking it will be "fun" to fall asleep to the falling rain. I remember waking up a couple of times and thinking "it is raining really hard". We were unaware that we were under a flash flood warning. The next morning Steve and I got up and were going to worship. We noticed several people were standing at the main bridge in town looking over the rails, as we passed by I said to Steve "oh my that is the highest I have ever seen the river", as we went on down the street it became obvious that the river had overrun it's banks. Near the church there was a campground with RV's and there was water rushing through the campground and I said to Steve "wouldn't that be horrible to be stranded in your trailer", still oblivious to what was really going on.
We got to the church and there were about a dozen people there dressed like they had been camping (i.e. in sweats, shorts, etc) My dad had previously told me that the Gateway church of Christ was a disaster relief facility. Still we didn't think much about anything. Then we thought that worship began at 9:30 and we arrived about 9:25 and people were leaving? We went into the sanctuary and sat down where there 4 people talking in the aisle. No one said a word to us. 9:30 came and went and no other people entered and still no one spoke to us, so we got up and left. We overheard one of the men say "We will have a devotional and communion at 10:30." We will give this church the benefit of the doubt that it was busy helping those affected by the flood and not too concerned with two misplaced visitors looking for the worship that was advertised on their phone and building as starting at 9:30.

It wasn't until we began trying to find another place to worship that we began to realize the magnitude of the flood because so many streets were roped off.
The river had washed out most of the major bridges.
Then by mid afternoon you heard numerous helicopters flying low. Some were news helicopters, others were black hawks. As the day transpired we found out that the helicopters were having to rescue people.

There is a place called the Upper Canyon in Ruidoso that there is only one way in and out, so when the bridge washed out, people were stranded. Numerous rental cabins are up the canyon as well as some campgrounds. I was downtown on Tuesday and heard a man telling someone how they were rescued out of the canyon by the use of ladders and stretchers. I found a picture on the internet that showed exactly that.

Can you imagine if this was your child??

Fortunately, we were never in any danger where we were, nor was the family cabin that has been there since 1933. We were all in awe at how the river had subsided on Monday and that on Tuesday we went on a picnic where the land was actually already dry! That RV park that was under water on Sunday? Well, Wednesday when we left it was dry there as well. Truly amazing. All in all 200+ people had damaged homes and one person lost his life. I am surprised not more people fell in because there were so many onlookers standing way too close taking pictures with their cameras, phones, etc. having no clue that the ground could have given way at any moment. The business across from the family cabin lost 30 feet of property as it just collapsed into the river. Good thing no one was standing there when that happened! When the river receded they were able to start putting in temporary access by dumping lots of gravel to cross the river.

I could not help but think about the many times I have been online trying to find Steve and I a cabin to stay at on a river somewhere. I have never once considered what it would be like to be vacationing and the river to flood. As much as we will remember the flood, it won't compare to those who actually got stranded on their vacation or even worse lived there and lost their home.
There are several videos on YouTube, but I chose this one because it is the RV park I referenced in the beginning of this post.

Tenth Anniversary Of Accident

Anniversary is usually a happy word.  Perhaps today isn't as much of an Anniversary as it a Memorial?  Ten years ago today a man chose to get behind the wheel of a car drunk and in his impaired judgment got on the 75 freeway in Dallas, Texas going south on the north bound lane. As you can see in this picture, that wasn't an easy feat, as it has a barrier down the middle, walls on each side and you would have to enter totally on the wrong side, not just cross over a median.

 It was 10:00 P.M., so it was dark, but still incomprehensible how this could happen, except it shows how impaired one can be when drunk behind the wheel.  He was driving a Ford F-150, I was in a Honda Accord.

My legs were crushed and I had several broken ribs.  Fortunately, no head injuries.  I spent 3 weeks in a medically induced coma and 6 months in rehab.

 Then there were another 2 years of surgeries and recoveries before life became my "new normal".

The scars tell the story.

 All those memories do come flooding back today.  But I thought in honor of the day I would list 10 positive things that came out of that day.

1. Where my accident happened was a blessing.  If it had been a mile further up the freeway or a mile behind, I would have been taken to another hospital.  As it was I was taken to Baylor hospital where it just so happened the premier trauma surgeon in Dallas just happened to be on call?  Any other hospital and it was fairly certain that my leg would have been amputated.  So while I may question at times why God didn't prevent my accident, I know that He couldn't control someone else's poor decision to drive drunk and I thank Him for making sure I would get the best help.  I am also thankful for the unknown angels that stopped and talked with me until the emergency workers could get there. They also called Steve and my mom to let them know what had happened.  I don't know who they were so I just call them my angels.

2.  I can honestly say through rehab and my recovery that "Never Once Did I Ever Walk Alone".  I could not have done it without the thousands of prayers that were going up for me.  God gave me the strength I needed for each step of the way.  I am forever thankful!

3.  I have been blessed with the most amazing caretaker ever!  My husband Steve sacrificed/sacrifices so much for me each and every day.  From bathing and putting lotion on me, to cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking me to doctor appointments, therapy appointments, giving me shots, hooking up IV's, etc. etc.  Then what Steve couldn't do my mother supplemented.  When Steve had to return to work, she stayed with me and took me to appointments, also cleaned my house, cooked and took great care of me!  All the while, my father was ill and she was caring for him too.

4.  I am thankful for my family. Brothers, Sisters, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins (my grandparents were deceased) who though they didn't live in the Dallas area, all came to visit and then stayed in touch throughout my recovery.  Long before the days when Facebook makes it a little easier :-)

5.  My church family was absolutely AMAZING!  Where do I begin?  First of all the Church Administrator at the time knew to file this as a Workmen's Compensation case because I was coming home after being with a child in my ministry at the hospital.  It has meant Steve and I have not paid one penny of any of the expenses over the years!  Then my church elders committed to pay my a full salary, even though WC was paying 80%.  They bought me a laptop computer so that I could keep up with communications at home.  I had a Children's Ministry team that stepped up to the plate and covered all the basis so that the children/families would continue to have opportunities to learn and serve the Lord together.  The many visits, calls, cards and prayers were the best medicine possible. Ten years later and my heart is still touched by Bob Legan, who called and prayed for me every Tuesday afternoon on the phone.  For Bill Thoma who fasted and prayed every Saturday for 6 months! For Matalee Heflin, who at the age of 3, would call and sing songs for me over the phone. For my Supper Club friends who decorated my house for Christmas.  And too many more to list here.

6.  I am thankful for the skills and talents that God blessed Dr. Paul Freudigman with.  He didn't necessarily recognize they were from God.  But I thank God for the wisdom he had in using a Russian technique called and Illizarov Frame to save my leg.  Yes, I had to wear it two different times to get complete healing, but I am blessed with two legs and not living life in  a wheelchair.  Dr. F. did not have the best bedside manner, so I am also thankful for his assistant, Robin, who provided a more tender touch.  I have to admit, somewhere along the way in my 2 year treatment, Dr. Freudigman softened and would actually pat me on the shoulder :-)  I am thankful for all the nurses, and rehab staff that took such great care of me!

7.  I am actually thankful for rehab itself.  Sometimes it just takes putting things in perspective.  There were so many in rehab that were in far worse shape than I was.  My original roommate (before I got moved to a private room) had a head injury from being t-boned in an accident and they had to keep her in a caged bed because she was so irrational.  I made a friend named Mary who lost her battle to keep her leg and had to have it amputated.  There was a father of four (don't remember his name) whose children would come to visit him and he could not speak to them because he had had a stroke in his 30's, nor could he hug them because he did not have use of his arms.  The therapists were gentle but persistent in pushing me to do things I didn't think I could do, but were needed in order for me to gain strength and recover.  I wish I remembered all of their names. But thankful that there are people who feel called to be be therapist and the work that they do!

8.  I am thankful for contemporary Christian music!  And thankful for CD players and headphones.  Again no Ipod's ten years ago...isn't that amazing?  But the music would soothe my soul and the lyrics would help me to worship God in the midst of the storm.  I especially listened over and over to the CD my children's ministry friends made me.  At the time I was a part of a Children's Ministry Network of other children's ministers in the Dallas/Fort Worth area and we would meet once a month to "pick each other's brains" and for fellowship.  They became wonderful friends.  They got together and each contributed their favorite song and put them on a CD for me and then wrote a description of why that song was important to them.  It was a priceless treasure!

9.  I am thankful for Church Mutual my workman's compensation insurance, who has really taken very good care of me!  From the get go they have given me everything I have needed to have the best quality of life.  They remodeled our house and made it handicap friendly.  Tearing up carpet and putting in wood floors so a wheel chair would be easily managed.  They remodeled the master bath so that I would have a walk in shower and be able to use my wheelchair at the vanity and toilet.  They would have remodeled the kitchen, making cabinets lower, but I didn't think that was necessary.  They put rails on my pool so that I could do water therapy.  They provided a power chair so that once I returned to work I could get around the halls of the church building easier than a wheel chair. They even offered to buy us a new van to transport the chair, but thinking I wouldn't be incapacitated that long, we denied that too (maybe our only regret).

10.  I could probably keep listing things, but I said 10 for 10 years, so here we go.  It is hard to believe in about 3 weeks we will have lived in Colorado for 5 years!!  I am pretty sure if the accident had not happened we would not be here.  For too many reasons to list here, the best being Steve and I both retired, we did choose to move to be closer to my family in Denver.  Again God has blessed me with a wonderful church family.  It is hard to hide from them my immobility as most Sundays, I am on a walker.  There isn't a time that I with them that someone isn't asking me how I am doing.  Someone is always telling me they are praying for me.  They pray that my pain will subside.  Without surgery, that doesn't seem to be in God's plan for me.  Does that get discouraging?  Yes, it does.  But I remind myself that the apostle Paul (who had a much deeper relationship with God than I do) prayed several times that his thorn in the flesh be removed, and it wasn't.  God told him "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Paul then says, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  I cannot do less.

I thank God for each of these 10 and so much more!  May I continue to surrender to His control and I pray that He will continue to use me in His Kingdom for His glory.

To Move Or Not To Move??

I am home from my Denver house hunting trip. What an emotional roller coaster that was! I thought I was at peace with the decision not to buy, until I got home and realized that it means I am not moving. Sometimes change just seems good for the sake of change I think. But I am trying to embrace Philippians 4:11-12. Contentment has never been my strong suit. And it is no surprise to anyone who has read my blog for awhile that waiting for God isn't my strong suit either. This time though the part of the puzzle that I just don't understand is why God would have sent an unsolicited buyer for my house who was offering cash "as is". That just doesn't happen very often and we thought it was such a blessing. So I felt a little like Abraham in that God said "go" but in my particular case he didn't provide the "where". It's not like we can just keep our buyer hanging without a definite answer. So once again I feel like I have hit what a friend of mine calls a faith bump. It is amazing when you give Satan a small opening how he turns it into a wide gap. So all day long this is the song that has been coming to my mind and I have been singing "Do I Trust You Lord" by Twila Paris.

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in Your will, what's in Your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why,
But I can never forget it for long.
Lord, what You do could not be wrong.
So I believe You, even when I must cry.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.
I will trust You.

Please help me to also be content.

Church Looking

Wow! I had no idea how hard it would be looking for a new church home. We have visited six different churches and on our second round with three down. I would consider me an outgoing person, but so far every church we have been to has been an uncomfortable experience. I keep looking people in the eyes hoping they will introduce themselves to me. Very few have and those that have have mostly been in their 70's or older. Yesterday, three men spoke to me (Steve was home sick) and not one woman??? There was a man talking to me and telling me he knew someone who moved to Texas and thought it was a town near Dallas but couldn't remember the name, to which the woman in front of us turned and said "Lone Tree" and yet not once after that man left did she turn around and introduce herself??? Are you kidding me??? What is that about???

We thought at first it was because we were just showing up for worship and not Bible class. The past two weeks we have also gone to Bible class, which for both churches was an all age class in the auditorium. So there we are after class sitting in the seat for 10-15 minutes waiting for worship to start and still no one speaks?? Yesterday 2 men shook my hand and walked by.

BUT the bigger deal for me is that EVERY time we have visited we have filled out "visitor cards" and marked that we are looking for a church home and we have received one call?? No visits, no calls to do lunch or dinner, basically no interest whether we would be valuable members or not??? It has been so interesting being on the outside looking in. Hopefully God is teaching us very valuable lessons and I won't forget how this feels and determine that I will make sure other's don't feel this in the future.

Perhaps part of it is because we have promoted the belief that visitors want to be anonymous and perhaps for the majority of people that is true. Maybe we should have stickers for visitors to wear that tell us whether they want to be approached or not?
When we used to visit Highland Oaks there was a lady who wore flashing jewelry. Perhaps I need a flashing sign that says "yes I want you to talk to me".

I know that God knows where He wants us and where He will use us and perhaps we just haven't found that place yet. Steve and I have been praying about it and we just have not felt any strong leading one way or the other. So we don't know what that means and are asking ourselves does that mean we are suppose to look outside the church of Christ? And if so where? It causes you to start evaluating what things are important to you in a church.

Obviously from what I have already said friendliness is important to me, but there are really some Biblical teachings that I just can't compromise on. The most important is that the church believes that baptism by immersion is a necessary teaching and that it is baptism for the remission of sins. It is interesting how many websites I have read where they state that baptism is an outward sign of an inner acceptance of Christ. Several go on to say it is not baptism that saves us. What do they do with I Peter 3:21 "and this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also—not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a good conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ."? Yes, it is true that it is Jesus that saves not baptism, but you cannot become one with Jesus without baptism.

Communion is also important to me. When I have visited churches who don't observe it weekly, I have missed it. It is not something I do by rote, it is part of my worship celebration. I don't think it would be the same if I only took it once a month and I know I could not only do it quarterly.

I don't think God would have spent time in multiple places in His Word talking about elders and deacons if they were not an important part of a church. Then there is instrumental music. I personally don't think it is a salvation issue, but neither do I enjoy "rocking out" in worship. When the music is louder than the words of worshipers, it is no longer worshipful for me. Guess the final thing for me is that women are not in prominent roles. There maybe some special circumstance for a woman to lead prayer, sing a solo, give a testimony, read a scripture, but I personally don't think that women should be more in leadership than the men. I feel that God gave that role to men and we should be supportive.

So the look continues. Hopefully, once God has confirmed the decision for us I will be able to blog again and it will have turned out to be a much better journey than it has been so far. I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store for us. I look at where He has brought me from and there has never been a church that wasn't family, so I know He will do it again.

Patience has never been my strongest virtue. Perhaps that is why it seems to take so long for me to the learn the lessons God has had in store for me. This cough is really getting old. How do I adjust my attitude about that? How do I find the joy in that? So this is my current struggle. In regards to yesterday's post about dreams. There have been times that I have had dreams for physical healing and those are the dreams that from my earthly perspective God has not chosen to come true. I prayed that He would cause this cough to stop and allow me to go on the women's retreat. There is no way not to interpret that prayer as an outright "no", afterall here I sit. In 1992 I had to have a partial hysterectomy because of overactive endometriosis and an ovarian cyst. The doctor's told me that the odds of me being able to get pregnant were very small, but they had left in place one ovary and one tube (on opposite sides) and that while it would not be probable, it would be possible for God to do if He so chose. Then in 1998 when I got the cervical cancer and had to have a total hysterectomy, that dream of being able to birth children was gone forever. Both times Steve and I prayed for other means to work so that reproductive organs would not have to be removed. Both times, it happened anyway. It seems that God's direct answer again was "no". The "why's" have abounded. For years to come we have asked why it would not be God's will that we would have children? Acceptance has come, but I would be less than honest if I didn't say the "why's" don't occassionally come. The hardest times are when I go to the hospital to visit families with newborn babies. I usually walk away feeling a hole in my heart. So this is one dream I don't have an answer for and probably will not until God finally reveals it to me. But I have accepted that for whatever reason it was not His best for me and I wait and trust for Him to one day show me the "why's".
It is rather hard to write about all this and really explain the faith struggle in all of life. I am sure you all know it as well. It may seem like I have been strong, but I have just as many "bad" days as I have "good" days. I have days where I question instead of accept, days that I mumble instead of rejoice, days that I even question the very existence of God. That question has never been verbalized as much as it has in the past two years though. When I first woke up from my coma, it was very appearant that prayer was the only thing that was going to get me through as I had so far to go. We saw God answer prayers like getting out of ICU in 3 days and getting into rehab much sooner than anticipated. Getting moved into a private room much sooner than anticipated. Some injuries were healing other's were taking more time than we wanted, but we could continually see progress. I remember the first big disappointment was when I wanted to pass the swallowing test so bad. For days I had been able to not even chew ice. I prayed most of the night before the test and failed it. I was so confident God would answer that prayer the way I wanted it answered. But he didn't, it would be another week or so before I was able to try the test again and in the meantime had to intake this awful stuff called "thicken up" and suck on lemon flavored q-tips. During this time I found that singing praise songs in my head would get me through most anything. I kept gaining strength, trying to focus on the positives and not the negatives. Was doing better and better, left rehab saw the light at the end of the tunnel and WHAM, the bone infection. How could it be? I thought if there was ever a time for prayer, this was it, and believe me so very many people were praying faithfully for me! There is the verse in James 5:14-15, "Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up." The elders at RE believe in prayer and I had been with them when they had annointed others with oil. It was time for me to ask them to do that for me as I did not want to have bone removed because of an infection. So we met, they prayed and annointed me and I stood in complete confidence that God would answer this prayer, after all He said the prayer offered in faith would make the sick person well. Well, in this case it did not. I had an infection, had to have the operation and remove two inches of bone and was sent back to square one with my leg, no weightbearing, etc. I was devastated. This was the first time in my life I can remember feeling so lost, in such a dark place. Singing praise songs or listening to them has always helped me when I am low. Not this time. Nothing was working, not even an antidepressant. The question that kept coming up for me was "how can a God who is able to do anything, just choose not to?". I had not doubted His ability or power. Afterall, the God who raises the dead can heal a leg bone. But He chose not too. One of the things that really bothered me is that every time I saw children at church, they would tell me they were praying for me. I wanted them to see their prayers were being answered. I had no explanations, no testimonies of "see, this is why we pray". I actually went through a time of not praying because it no longer mattered. But then I read Phillip Yancey's book "Disappointment with God". It really helped. I started praising God regardless of my understanding. Knowing that I may not know the "why's" now, but trusting that God still had me in the palm of His hands and was doing His best for me. To be truthful the other factor that helped is I hated being out of the light. The darkness just kept getting darker and I did not want to stay there. So we were back on the road to recovery and trusting God, once again things were going well and WHAM, now the bone is bowing and I will have to back into the fixator again. So here we are two months into that process. Wish I could say I had better answers this time, but I don't. Once again the "why's" abound.
One thing I am convinced of is God is big enough to handle my "why's", I don't hold anything back from Him. He isn't giving me any answers yet, and maybe he won't. I am doing my best to continue to "trust in Him and not in my own understanding", Proverbs 3:5. Today I read this verse and it hit me between the eyes, James 1:2-4-" Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." So the quest now is to be mature and complete, lacking nothing and if I must endure this to recieve that, so be it!
I know this is a long post. But I have to tell you this. In looking up that last passage online to put here, I accidently typed in I Peter:1:2-4. Look at what verses 3-5 says in the Message, "What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all—life healed and whole." So leave it to my Ephesians 3:20 God to wait till I am writing a lengthy post on a blog to reveal part of the "why" to me!!!! Praise be to my God and Father!!! I will have a day that is coming when I'll have it all-LIFE HEALED AND WHOLE!!!!!

25 Year Anniversary Of Our Engagment

25 years ago today my sweet Steve asked if I would marry him.  I wish that I had pictures to share of that day but they are buried in a box down in the crawl space somewhere and I don't want to make Steve go find them.  But since I really haven't blogged about that day before, I thought I would today.

Our family was getting together for a reunion in Denver and Steve was going to come meet them all, and was going to ask my father for my hand in marriage.  Since my sister lived in base housing, it was rather crowded, so Steve had arranged with them to propose to me out in the camper, parked in the front of their yard. Steve had bought flowers and had music playing (don't remember what).  He was just getting ready to propose when we heard someone coming in the door and then my sister yell "Mel, get back here!" Her husband, didn't know we were in the trailer at that moment.

When Steve proposed to me he read Ephesians 5:21-33:

"21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

Steve then told me that he promised he would do his best to love me the way that Christ loved the church and gave His life up for the church if I would marry him.  Who could say "no" to a promise like that?  I was 35 and Steve was 36 when we got engaged, so we had both waited a long time to be blessed by God with our life partner.  I had determined that I would not marry anyone who was not a Christian.  But Steve far surpassed that expectation.  He has made me a better person.  His love for the Word of God has challenged me.  He is much more disciplined in spending time there than I am.  But I think God has used me to move Steve from head knowledge for a more emotional response to God.

We often tell people that we really don't know how our marriage works because we are so opposite of one another.  We really have very little in common.  One time we took a marriage course and it included a survey that would show us what we have in common.  We discovered we had the enjoyment of boating in common only to rent a boat and find out that Steve drives rather cautious and I like to go really fast :-)  We do enjoy sitting together each night and playing Wheel Of Fortune.  I would say also Jeopardy, but I cannot compete with Steve in Jeopardy.  He is far more intelligent than I am!  But our marriage works because the one thing we do have in common is the most important thing of all...our love for God.  We realize that we are here as servants of His.  My greatest joy is in pleasing God by serving Steve and He reciprocates by serving me.  He is actually better at putting his needs aside for me than I am for him, but because he is so good at it, I try much harder to do the same.

During our 25 years, Steve and I have had some hard times.  Two years into our marriage we were excited to be pregnant.  Steve named our baby Pat, because that could be a boy or a girl.  Shortly after our first trimester we lost Pat and Steve almost lost me as my blood pressure dropped so low they had to turn me upside down.  We were not able to get pregnant again because I had endometriosis and that caused a diseased ovary and tube.  They removed my right tube and left ovary and told us they were going to keep in place for God to do what only He can do (an opposite ovary and tube).  It wasn't impossible to get pregnant but improbable.  We didn't get pregnant and in 2003 I got uterine cancer and then had to have a complete hysterectomy.  Steve was my strength during these difficult times, but it wasn't till my accident in 2005 did I realize the depth of his love for me and the strength I would get from him.  When your husband wipes your bottom after using a bed pan, your relationship is put on a whole different level you have never imagined.  Helping me in and out of a wheel chair, pushing that chair to his own exhaustion.  He took on all the housekeeping chores and to this day he still does our laundry and helps with the dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms and so much more.  Never complaining.  Then Steve brags all the time at what a great cook that I am.  He thanks me for meals even when I burn them :-)  He is willing to eat left overs.  I am not a recipe cook, I am a simple cook.  Things like meatloaf, pot pie, pot roast, spaghetti, crockpot chicken, but Steve is just always appreciative.

I would say that my favorite thing to do with Steve is pray with him.  We haven't always had a time of intentional prayer together, although he has always prayed for our meals.  But for the last 8 months we reinitiated a specific prayer and devotional time together and it has been a blessing.  Today I am thanking God for 25 years of faithful vow keeping and commitment from my husband.  In a few months we will celebrate the actual 25th anniversary of our vows and he has planned a surprise trip.  I look forward then to blogging more about marriage memories and what the surprise was.

Father God, thank You for the blessing of giving me the most wonderful husband for me.  Thank You that in 25 years I can honestly say that he has never not once kept his commitment to love me with the love of Jesus.  I do not take that for granted, for it is an amazing blessing!!  Thank You for the way You have transformed Him into Your image and thank You for allowing us to have these 25 years together.  I would love having the gift of 25 more with Him, but if You take one of us home before then, I thank You for the certainty that we will spend eternity together with You.  Thank You Father!

Faith

Last night our chapter in the Pursuit of God was entitled "The Gaze Of The Soul" and was about faith. Tozer had some comments about faith that once again were attention getting. Here are a few that I particularly liked.

"Faith is a redirecting of our sight, a getting out of focus of our own vision and getting God into focus."

"When we lift our inward eyes to Gaze upon God, we are sure to meet friendly eyes gazing back at us."

"When the habit of inwardly gazing Godward becomes fixed within us,
we shall be ushered onto a new spiritual life more in keeping with the promises of God and the mood of the New Testatment."

"Believing is directing the heart's attention to Jesus. It is lifting the mind to 'Behold the Lamb of God' (John 1:29), and never ceasing that beholding for the rest of our lives. At first it may seem difficult but it becomes easier as we look steadilyat His wondrous person, quietly without strain. Distractions may hinder, but once the heart is committed to Him, after each brief excursion away from Him, the attention will turn again and rest upon Him like a wandering bird coming back to it's window."

So who knew all these years when we sang "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look into His wonderful face", that we were really singing about faith and what it looks like?

Father God, may I keep my eyes turned towards you more and more and less and less on me on my circumstances.

Another Song Story

Today I was sitting in my shower chair doing my hair and had digital music on the TV with Contemporary Christian music. Guess what song came on 2nd? You got it Casting Crowns, "Praising God In The Storm", I had just told Steve this morning at breakfast about my post the other day and yelled "Steve, come here this is the song I was telling you about". I then said "Do you think this is just a coincidence that this same song is even on the T.V." Steve said "I will tell you something else, when you called me I was online with Amazon.com trying to order that CD for you for our June anniversary (remember Steve gives me something the 12th of every month-our anniversary is August 12th). Amazing?
Then the next song that came on was Pam Thum's "Life is Hard (God is Good)". Once again I felt like God was speaking to me through these lyrics. Hope you all don't get tired of me posting lyrics. Right now they are what is ministering to me.

But there's darkness deep inside
And you can't take it anymore'
Cause sometimes living takes the life out of you
And sometimes living is all you can do
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good
You start to cry'
Cause you've been strong for so long
And that's not how you feel
You try to pray
But there's nothing left to say
So you just quietly kneel
In the silence of all that you face
God will give you His mercy and grace
Jesus never said
It was an easy road to travel
He only said that you would never be alone
So when your last thread of hope
Begins to come unraveled
Don't give up, He walks beside you
On this journey home and He knows
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good

Kauai Here I Come

I leave tomorrow afternoon for Kauai. I wish I could say I was excited. I know I will be once I land there, but in the meantime I am just somewhat nervous about surviving the flight to get there. Spending eight hours on the plane without being able to elevate my leg and if I am to be totally honest: I have never used the restroom on a plane before. There I said it. But I am sure whatever the inconveniences are it will be all worthwhile once I get there. Here are some pictures from the Lawai Beach Resort where we will be staying.




This will be our view from the room.


The beach with snorkeling is just right across the street.


And this will be the sunset.

Here are a few things I am looking forward to:
1. Time with my sister
2. Listening to the waves (she says we can hear them in our room!)
3. Seeing the beauty God created
4. Eating fresh pineapple and coconut
5. Riding in a convertible
6. Tranquility
7. Going to a Luau
8. Seeing waterfalls (doubt my leg will let me get in one (: )
9. Being on the beach
10. Having cooler weather (High's low 80's, low's low 70's)

Haven't decided whether I want to hassle with taking the computer or not, so you will have to stay tuned to see if I post from Kauai, or wait till I get home.
Akua Ho'omaika'i oukou (God Bless You)

Where to Start??

As promised I will begin posting my insights from the Christian Book Expo that Steve and I attended Friday and Saturday. There were so many nuggets I don't know where to start. I guess that is what I would like to say first. Over the years Steve and I have attended numerous Christian conferences of one kind or another. I don't think we have ever come away from one thinking it was a waste of time. We always come home motivated to go deeper in our spiritual walk. And we come home always sad that more of our friends and those we were in fellowship didn't get the same blessing because they didn't attend. Realizing that not everyone can attend everything, but we know so many people that have never attended anything but their own church services. Nothing wrong with that, but once again, it is missing opportunities for growth.

Alot of times when I go to these conferences I feel like I am just drinking from a fire hydrant. I guess that is just an indication of how thirsty I let myself get. I come home motivated to go deeper and "do better" but that enthusiasm quickly disappears because of my lack of spiritual discipline. I am in hope that some of the things I heard this weekend will make more of a life long impact.

Let me start by saying this weekend reinforced what I have been saying on this blog for awhile and that is that I need to change my "stinkin thinkin". I have spent way too long allowing entrance into my thoughts and not camping out in the Truths that God has revealed to me. I will tell you about some specific speaker's and what they said in the days to come, but let me just leave you with some quotes tonight that convicted my heart that I need to change my "stinkin thinkin".

Don Piper-"If I know where I am going, shouldn't I have a better trip on the way?" "Our anticipation of heaven should be reflected in our life here on earth."

Randy Alcorn-"Every step we take brings us closer to heaven or further away. No one stands still"

Andy Andrews-"God does not teach us to swim only to let us drwon when the waters are rough." "Answers may be unavailable, but perspective is always there." "If you are breathing, you have not accomplished what God wants you to accomplish, and if you haven't accomplished what God wants you to accomplish you have not fullfilled your purpose."

Max Lucado-"What if faith was my default."

Calvin Miller-"Praise that worries about propriety (the way you look) will never really be praise." "If God really did show up at our services, would we be prepared."

Jennifer Rothschild-"It may not be well with my circumstances, but it is always well with my soul."

Sheila Walsh-"Forgiveness is God's gift for us to live in a world that is not fair." 'We will not be able to bow at the foot of the cross and point to anyone but ourselves."

Alex and Brett Harris-"Give up what you cannot keep to gain what you cannot lose" (they were quoting Jim Elliot)

Randal Rouser-"Aim at earth and miss heaven. Aim at heaven and earth gets thrown in." (quoting C.S. Lewis) "In a world of suffering the question is not 'where is God', but 'where is the church.'"

I will say I had one disappointment this weekend and that is that I did not pay close enough attention to my intenerary and missed the book signing by Ron Hall and Denver Moore the author's of "Same Kind Of Different As Me." I would have loved to shake their hands and tell them how that book impacted me.

Ah-ha Moment

Tomorrow marks the 4th anniversary of my car accident. It is hard to believe that it has been that long ago, and yet it seems like yesterday. One of the things I have struggled with over the past four years has been "what was the purpose?". Not so much about the accident itself, but why the Lord did not heal me completely. Don't get me wrong, I try to be thankful for what He did do and the fact that I do have a leg and it did not have to be amputated, I am indeed grateful for. But everyday, the pain I have been left with reminds me over and over again that I am not completely healed.

Well, this week God revealed the purpose for me. I am currently in three Bible studies. One is with my Life Group "God Is Closer Than You Think", one is in Ladies Bible Class "I Saw The Lord" and the last is on Wednesday evenings "The Pursuit of God". I don't think it is a coincidence that all three of these studies are interconnected. I think it is deliberate on God's part to get my attention. (yes, it is hard to get my attention). I began to hear Him speaking over the weekend, but yesterday afternoon He came through loud and clear and I did hear him. There was no mistaking His voice.

This is a quote I wrote down in yesterday morning's study "God keeps me in a deficit position so I will realize His strength and the way He completes me. He will always call me to be over my head so that He can show me His sufficiency."

Then in last night's study we were talking about God asking Abraham to sacrifice Issac. A.W. Tozer's thoughts on the issue are that Abraham had elevated Issac to a place in his heart as his beloved son that replaced God's place. He says this about the sacrifice "
God let the suffering old man go through it up to the point where He knew there would be no retreat and then forbade him to lay a hand upon the boy. To the wondering patriarch He know says in effect 'It's all right Abraham, I never intended that you should actually slay the lad. I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart that I might reign unchallenged there. I wanted to correct the perversion in your love. Now you may have the boy sound and well."

That was my ah-ha moment. See more painful than losing my leg strength in my accident has been the lost of "my ministry". Notice I called it "my ministry"...that would be the problem. I did not see my ministry with children as God's ministry. I had too much pride in it. I took pleasure when other's noticed and would invite me to do a workshop or presentation on how things were done at Richardson East. Don't get me wrong, I would include God in my ministry by asking His blessing quite frequently, but it was always AFTER I had made the plans. I never asked Him to lead it, just to bless it. I know I have posted before that I have learned I was too busy "doing for God" and not "being with God". I actually had to have ministry removed from me so that God could once again take His proper position in the throne of my heart. But then because I could not see that I have allowed endless hours of television watching and being on the computer to take up the space He has wanted to regain.

I now join Tozer in praying this prayer "Father, I want to know Thee, but my cowardly heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there." In Jesus Name.
Amen.

I am thankful to God for this revelation and pray that He will continue to reveal Himself to me. I know He will because that is what He has promised in Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Another God On Mute Chapter

First of all I changed my blog again because Steve did not particularly like the new change. He said it reminded him of the avocado colors of the 70's (or was it the 60's?) anyway... I found another template (f0r a while anyway). I think I would like to learn HTML and do blog designs. I think it would be fun.

Anyway...today I was back in God On Mute (only 2 chapters left to finish it) and once again Pete Greig said several things that caused me to think deeper. Here are some quotes:

"Life's great trials invariably either leave us bitter or better, they never leave us unchanged."

In talking about God's silence between when Jesus died and was raised he says this:
"If I had been one of the disciples, I know exactly where I would have spent the sabbath. I would have hid out with Martha, Mary and Lazarus. With Jesus dead and buried, there would have been no one that I would've wanted to see more than Lazarus......I hope that you have a Bethany that you can go to when you are wrestling with unanswered prayer. It could be a place, a book, a piece of music that reminds you of all the good things God has done in the past. It could be a person like Lazarus whose very being makes the presence and power of God real to you even when life is at its worst. Bethany is the connection point that reminds you of something you once knew for sure that God can do immeasurably more for you than all you ask or imagine, that the Kingdom remains a matter of power (see I Cor 4:20) even when there's little evidence of it in your present situation, and that all things are possible for him who believes."

"Whatever else God may or may not be, He is present in our pain. He suffers with us. Why He doesn't step in and simply put an end to the suffering now, I don't know. Believing that some day He'll make everything right doesn't make lie easier now.....'He took our infirmities and bore our diseases.' (Matthew 8"17) He didn't just 'sympathize' with us. And he didn't just bear our 'spiritual' sickness. The ext says he actually carried our diseases"

"Sometimes it's not enough to tell a suffering friend you're praying for them. Sometimes you have to become the answer to your own prayer. I realize that God is present in the midst of suffering because we are present in it. We are God's presence. Holy Saturday is the day on which we wonder, where is God? Yet the answer might be that He is right there with us in the muck. When we are present in a situation--no matter how terrible it may be--He cannot be absent. Whenever life gets tough and we cry out to God for help, our desire is always to be airlifted out of the theater of war. But more often than not, instead of airlifting us to safety, god parachutes down to join us in the much and chaos of our situation."

"With hindsight, we know that Holy Saturday was not the end of the world. It was the space between two worlds--a day on the very cusp of beginning. Living as we do with the hindsight of Easter Sunday, we can endure our Holy Saturdays, with a certain optimism not afforded the disciples that day. God may be silent, but we know that He will speak soon. many of our prayers will go unanswered, but not for long! We may even be dying, but on our Holy Saturday, we have reason-good reason--to believe in the resurrection awaiting us on Sunday. Like Lazarus and Mary Magdalene, we can look back at all that Jesus has done for us in the past with grateful hearts, even if we don't know where He is right now."

Conversations Cafe

This past weekend we had another R.E. Ladies Retreat, which we called Conversation’s Café. We decorated in a café style and had our speakers talk around that theme with
“Conversations with the owner”, “Conversations with each other” and “Conversations With the World”. This is my third Ladies Retreat to be the chairman of the committee and it is always such a fun process to see how God brings a plan together and blesses it.
You start off at that first meeting just brain storming ideas and praying and as the weeks and months progress, He just gives you such clarity. He always brings together the perfect team with the diversity of gifts that are needed. Imagine if everyone’s gift were the same how all the different pieces would get accomplished? Then He brings together the perfect gathering of women. We never worry about “how many” women register, because we totally trust God to bring the women He wants to be there. This year once again God did not disappoint and blessed this retreat in definite Ephesians 3:20 ways!
Thank you God! We are so grateful for Your blessing and Your presence!! I have been going to retreats for more than 30 years and I can honestly say I don’t ever remember coming home from one and wishing I had not gone. But I will confess the thing I have missed on the last 3 retreats is having time to just hang with friends. When you are on the committee, you are so busy with all the logistics, that you don’t get as much time to just visit. I was looking back through some pictures someone sent today and thought “I didn’t get to visit with her, or her, or her”. One blessing I do think a lot of women miss out on at retreats is meeting new people and getting to know them. I guess just by human nature we tend to “hang” with the people we know best and even though we spend most of our time with those people already, at a retreat we want to spend more time with them. You try to build in some times where groups are mixed up and people get to know others a little better, but still for me it never seems to be enough. I tend to eat with a different group every meal, and sit by a different person each session and this seems like the right thing to do. Yet when I come home I just don’t feel like I had good “friend time”. Guess that has been because for several years now I don’t just have one good friend or what many would call a “bff”. But I do have a lot of different women I love talking to, just not so much to “hang” with.
Okay…that was totally off the topic of what I thought I was blogging about which was the way God blessed this retreat. More than some retreats of the past, this retreat had a lot of laughter. Laughter is such good medicine. I learned something new about Angela Tooley and that is she is a comedian, she was a great Julia Childs!

We did a skit about “Rejected Retreat Themes” such as “News Extra: It’s Not All About Me”, “I Will Survive/God’s Plan for Disco”, “Is God in your Wigwam”, “Yodeling for Yahweh” and “Hope: One day Madonna Will Sag Too.” We had props or costumes for each, and that was good for some laughs as well.

All in all it was a perfect mix of good times, spiritual renewal and lots of great food. Robin Kelly provided some awesome meals and a scrumptious dessert menu.
Look at this feast:

So not just physical but spiritual. Thank you God for showing up and conversing with us all in such a special way.