EVEN IF

I was listening to this song today and was wondering if I could really say with conviction what the lyrics say?

Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That could never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways

So we set our faith in who You are

Even though You reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

You’re still the Great and Mighty One

We trust You always

You’re working all things for our good

We’ll sing your praise

I would like to think I could say these lyrics with conviction, but I am not sure.  I really struggle from time to time with the God who can do anything and chooses not to.  It's not that it has to be my way, it's just that I don't like to see people suffering with no end in sight.  I have a friend whose daughter married a man who already had a child with autism.  She adopted his child and then when they divorced she shares custody.  However the boy is now 17 and the father seldom keeps his dates of shared custody.  This boy has become increasingly violent and has been attacking his mother as well as some other behavioral issues.  We have been praying for quite a while for calmness for the boy and that a residential treatment center would become available for him.  There doesn't seem to be any improvements or end in sight.  I have another friend who the list of things that have gone wrong in her life are way too many to list here.  It would be enough that she has a 14 year old daughter that has never spoken, never walked and is on a ventilator and requires 24 hour nursing care.  One simple prayer request that goes answered is that she have consistent nurses show up for their shifts, but quite frequently my friend gets the call that no nurses are available.  Those are just two examples of when I say "God why wouldn't this be in your will, or why wouldn't you do this?"  I know God is God and I am not.  But the question, when these situations and others go on do I praise Him anyway?  Does my faith remain strong?  Can I say "I know your heart and I rest in who you are"?

And then as all these thoughts are going through my mind another song comes on and it resonated with my heart as well.

Well, everybody's got a story to tell

And everybody's got a wound to be healed

I want to believe there's beauty here

'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on

I can't let go, I can't move on

I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am

I'm trying to hear that still small voice

I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows

And I, I am so afraid

Please stay, please stay right beside me

With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?

And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I am thankful that I have a God that allows me to question.  A God who doesn't punish me for having faith that doubts at times.  A God who allows me to ask "why"?  And yet at the end of the day, I have no choice but to trust in God's goodness and His promises.  His ways are not my ways and He has the big picture and I do not.  So I continue to cry out as I have blogged before "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief".

25 Year Anniversary Of Our Engagment

25 years ago today my sweet Steve asked if I would marry him.  I wish that I had pictures to share of that day but they are buried in a box down in the crawl space somewhere and I don't want to make Steve go find them.  But since I really haven't blogged about that day before, I thought I would today.

Our family was getting together for a reunion in Denver and Steve was going to come meet them all, and was going to ask my father for my hand in marriage.  Since my sister lived in base housing, it was rather crowded, so Steve had arranged with them to propose to me out in the camper, parked in the front of their yard. Steve had bought flowers and had music playing (don't remember what).  He was just getting ready to propose when we heard someone coming in the door and then my sister yell "Mel, get back here!" Her husband, didn't know we were in the trailer at that moment.

When Steve proposed to me he read Ephesians 5:21-33:

"21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

Steve then told me that he promised he would do his best to love me the way that Christ loved the church and gave His life up for the church if I would marry him.  Who could say "no" to a promise like that?  I was 35 and Steve was 36 when we got engaged, so we had both waited a long time to be blessed by God with our life partner.  I had determined that I would not marry anyone who was not a Christian.  But Steve far surpassed that expectation.  He has made me a better person.  His love for the Word of God has challenged me.  He is much more disciplined in spending time there than I am.  But I think God has used me to move Steve from head knowledge for a more emotional response to God.

We often tell people that we really don't know how our marriage works because we are so opposite of one another.  We really have very little in common.  One time we took a marriage course and it included a survey that would show us what we have in common.  We discovered we had the enjoyment of boating in common only to rent a boat and find out that Steve drives rather cautious and I like to go really fast :-)  We do enjoy sitting together each night and playing Wheel Of Fortune.  I would say also Jeopardy, but I cannot compete with Steve in Jeopardy.  He is far more intelligent than I am!  But our marriage works because the one thing we do have in common is the most important thing of all...our love for God.  We realize that we are here as servants of His.  My greatest joy is in pleasing God by serving Steve and He reciprocates by serving me.  He is actually better at putting his needs aside for me than I am for him, but because he is so good at it, I try much harder to do the same.

During our 25 years, Steve and I have had some hard times.  Two years into our marriage we were excited to be pregnant.  Steve named our baby Pat, because that could be a boy or a girl.  Shortly after our first trimester we lost Pat and Steve almost lost me as my blood pressure dropped so low they had to turn me upside down.  We were not able to get pregnant again because I had endometriosis and that caused a diseased ovary and tube.  They removed my right tube and left ovary and told us they were going to keep in place for God to do what only He can do (an opposite ovary and tube).  It wasn't impossible to get pregnant but improbable.  We didn't get pregnant and in 2003 I got uterine cancer and then had to have a complete hysterectomy.  Steve was my strength during these difficult times, but it wasn't till my accident in 2005 did I realize the depth of his love for me and the strength I would get from him.  When your husband wipes your bottom after using a bed pan, your relationship is put on a whole different level you have never imagined.  Helping me in and out of a wheel chair, pushing that chair to his own exhaustion.  He took on all the housekeeping chores and to this day he still does our laundry and helps with the dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms and so much more.  Never complaining.  Then Steve brags all the time at what a great cook that I am.  He thanks me for meals even when I burn them :-)  He is willing to eat left overs.  I am not a recipe cook, I am a simple cook.  Things like meatloaf, pot pie, pot roast, spaghetti, crockpot chicken, but Steve is just always appreciative.

I would say that my favorite thing to do with Steve is pray with him.  We haven't always had a time of intentional prayer together, although he has always prayed for our meals.  But for the last 8 months we reinitiated a specific prayer and devotional time together and it has been a blessing.  Today I am thanking God for 25 years of faithful vow keeping and commitment from my husband.  In a few months we will celebrate the actual 25th anniversary of our vows and he has planned a surprise trip.  I look forward then to blogging more about marriage memories and what the surprise was.

Father God, thank You for the blessing of giving me the most wonderful husband for me.  Thank You that in 25 years I can honestly say that he has never not once kept his commitment to love me with the love of Jesus.  I do not take that for granted, for it is an amazing blessing!!  Thank You for the way You have transformed Him into Your image and thank You for allowing us to have these 25 years together.  I would love having the gift of 25 more with Him, but if You take one of us home before then, I thank You for the certainty that we will spend eternity together with You.  Thank You Father!

Motherly love

Yesterday, while Steve and I were eating lunch, we were entertained by our mother Robin feeding her three babies.  Mrs. Robinson (as we call her) would bring her babies something to eat and their heads would pop up out of the nest, beaks wide open and they would start chirping away, eager to accept whatever she brought them.  She would leave and then come back and it would start all over again.  I asked Steve, "do you think she does that from love or just by instinct?".   I don't know if all animals have the ability to feel emotions or not?  I know my Mother's dog, Yoshi, does.  He knows when you are not happy with him and he cowers, or he is so excited when you return home and jumps up on you or licks.

My main point is the animal instinct does cause the robin or other animals to care for their babies.  So why is it the one creation that for sure has emotions, intellect and instinct so often do not take care of their babies?  I have often wondered why people who would make wonderful parents cannot have children and then those who don't want children (abortion) and even more so those that would abuse their children have multiple?  There is only one explanation, the presence of evil in our world.  People who allow Satan to speak lies into their hearts.  They see children as objects and not the people that they are.  Animals cannot be tempted to do wrong, only humans are susceptible to temptation.  Therefore Satan convinces adults to put their own selfish needs first.  He tells them to ignore the fact that their children were given to them as a gift from God, who entrusted those children into their care.  He has a plan for each and every one of them.  His plan does not include the abuse that they will be subjected to and yet because of the free will of their parents, those children will be subjected to the evil of the world.  Such a hard reality to explain.  Yet, God can redeem it all and I am thankful that he has for so many and in the end He will for all.

Job 19:25-"I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the end He will stand on earth."

2 Corinthians 5:10-" For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

My Hope

After my father went to Heaven in 2010, I bought a ring with the word "hope" engraved 1on it, because I did not want to forget that my hope is in the Lord and in the fact that He has promised me a home in Heaven and a reunion with my earthly Father one day.  I am thankful for all the reminders in scripture (here are just a few):

Psalm 33:20-We wait in hope for the Lord, he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 147:11-the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Psalm 146:5-Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord their God.

Lamentations 3:25- The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.

1 Peter 1:3-Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.

Also glad for the reminders in Song:

Thank You God that you did not leave us here hopeless, but that You are our Hope!!

He's Always Been Faithful

Sometimes you just have to post the lyrics of a song, because you don't want to forget the truths.

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me

I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful, He's always been faithful
He's always been faithful to me

Thinking About My Party

It is inevitable.  When someone you know dies, it causes you to once again look at your own immortality.  For the most part most of us live each day never thinking that it could be our last.  Yet the reality is, at any moment our life can end.  Just recently ask the families of Malaysian Flight 370, or the families at Fort Hood, or the families of the 10 California students burned to death in a fiery bus crash, or the family of Hope Evans who had no warning that when they went to bed Friday night, Hope would not wake up Saturday morning.
Death is part of life.  Yet we forget.  We assume is going to happen to someone else, not us.

Everyone grieves in a different way, but I tend to look at death as a time to celebrate, not grieve.  Sure I grieve that I will no longer see someone in this life.  I won't hear their voice, I won't feel their hug.  But when that person loves God with all their heart, and has spent their life serving Jesus then I celebrate, because I know all they did is cross over from this life into another.  There really is no death, there is only life.  We live our whole lives with faith in Jesus but at death it no longer takes faith, there He is.  And what is really amazing?  We are now like Him! "Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lies and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?'"John 11:25-26

"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.  Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling,  because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.  For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord.  For we live by faith, not by sight.  We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.  So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.  For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad." 2 Corinthians 5:1-10

Such amazing promises for us to remind ourselves of, especially at times like these.  So should I mourn and grieve like those that have no hope?  Absolutely not. "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.  For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.  Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

You might need to read that again.  Those that die first get to appear with Jesus first!!  That will be one amazing day!  So, I have told Steve, when it is my time to go home, I want a party.  I want people celebrating because I will be with the Lord and He and I will be having a party, so everyone should have one here as well. You may say "but Lynn, Jesus wept at the death of His friend Lazareth". Yes, He did, but I think His reasons were much different than ours. It wasn't because Lazarus wouldn't be there for Him, it was out of compassion for the grief of Mary and Martha.  He knew they could not understand His resurrection power and neither do we.  If we truly understood it, we would rejoice in the fact that the person we love is enjoying life to the Nth degree.  There is nothing better, and why would we not want that?

If this is not you, that is okay.  Everyone's grief is their own and everyone's eternal perspective is their own.  But I just wanted to go on record and say this today, because I may not have tomorrow and if I hadn't told you all I wanted a party, I may not get one on earth, which would be disappointing, but for sure there will be one in heaven! “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning” Psalm 30:5 "And when that morning comes, 'death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore'” Revelation 21:4  HALLELUJAH!!

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

Today is the anniversary of my 2005 accident.  It has been nine years since a drunk driver altered my life forever.  I have blogged about different aspects of the accident over the years.  There isn't an April 10th that goes by that I don't relive that day.  It isn't a bad thing and I don't spend time thinking about the pain, but try to focus on the victories that came with God's help.  

Recently, I have been participating in a Bible study called "The Disciples Prayer Life".  A very rich study on the different aspects of prayer.  In the chapter about giving thanks in prayer there is a section on the different biblical characters that built altars as a way to express their thanksgiving to God.  In 1 Samuel 7 the altar that Samuel builds is called an Ebenezer.The prophet Samuel and the Israelites found themselves under attack by the Philistines. Fearing for their lives, the Israelites begged Samuel to pray for them in their impending battle against the Philistines. Samuel offered a sacrifice to God and prayed for His protection. God listened to Samuel, causing the Philistines to lose the battle and retreat back to their own territory. After the Israelite victory, the Bible records:  “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen, and called its name Ebenezer, saying, ‘Thus far the Lord has helped us’ ” (1 Samuel 7:12). The word Ebenezer comes from the Hebrew words ’Eben hà-ezer (eh’-ben haw-e’-zer),which simply mean “stone of help”. 

I have been thinking about my own Ebenezer and what it could be for the help that God gave me in coming through the trauma of my accident.  Perhaps it is my scars?  I was left with a very deformed left leg, with many scars that don't fade or go away.  I keep them covered.  I feel uncomfortable in any clothes that reveal my leg.  But perhaps instead of being ashamed, I should wear the scars with pride because they are a symbol of God's intervention.  They said the way my leg broke that it was a near amputation.  Then after about 6 months of healing, I got a bone infection.  I was given the choice of an amputation or going through a very painful process with an Ilizarov frame.

I chose the frame.  I wore it for nine months and then a month after getting it off, my bone started going crooked and I again was faced with the choice of amputation or wearing the frame again.  I wore it another nine months.  Today, seven years later, I have a leg. Not a pretty leg, but a leg none the less.  So instead of looking at the scars and being ashamed what if I would consider them my Ebenezer and see them as proof of God's help.  He gave me the strength to fight and today continues to give me that strength.  Even though He saved my leg, I do walk with significant pain.  I could get depressed about the pain, but I choose to thank God that I can walk and I am not confined to a wheel chair.  I can drive.  I could be so much more limited. So I thank God for giving me the strength for each new day.  Sure I didn't build my Ebenezer in an altar sort of way, but I did choose to go through the painful process in hopes that God would heal and he did.  So now when I look at my scars I will say "thank you  God for your help".  I would love to hear about your Ebenezer and how it reminds you of a time when God was your help.

Saying Goodbye to 2013 and Hello to 2014

Whenever one year ends and another begins I find myself being contemplative.  What did I actually accomplish in this year and what would I like to accomplish in the next.  I don't really believe in New Year resolutions, perhaps because I know how undisciplined I am and how unlikely I am to actually succeed in completing any resolutions.  But I think the real reason is I am better at short term goals.

I have been seeing different people on my Facebook feed say they were picking a word for the year.  If I look back on 2013, I think my word was "thankfulness".  Ever since I read Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, this past summer, I have made a concerted effort to count my blessings and to put  I Thessalonians 5:18 into practice "In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you".

I have asked myself is it really possible to give thanks in all things?  And the answer is "yes, yes it is".  It all comes down to determined focus.  Even if I have to say "God I don't know how to thank You for this, but I am giving it to You and saying thanks that I can trust you to take it and do with it what You will."  Thanking God for all things requires trusting God.  Reminding myself, that He is God and I AM NOT!!  Truly trusting that when Romans 8:28 says "ALL things work together for good for those that love God..." that I can trust that whatever it is I am going through He has it in His control and for His purposes, so therefore I can give thanks for that.  

Since I have begun trying to practice giving thanks more, I have noticed that I am so much more at peace.  I no longer feel like I have to fix everything.  God can do so much of a better job than I can.  I have also found I am more content.  It takes a lot more energy to be negative than positive.  While negativity drains me of energy, thankfulness actually lifts my spirit and gives me energy.

I hope I do not forget the lessons I am learning.  It is easy to fall back into old practices.  But I find if I say when I put my feet on the floor "Lord, please give me a thankful Spirit this day", it definitely helps!

So now on to 2014.  I think the word that God has given me for this year is "DWELL".  According to Meirriam Webster this is the definition of "dwell":
          1 a:  to remain for a time
          2 a: to live as a resident
       3 a: to keep the attention directed

I then did a search on dwell on Biblegateway.com and these three verses stood out to me:

Psalm 61:4  I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.  

Psalm 84:4  Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.

Psalm 91:1  Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the                              Almighty.

So I want to dwell more in the presence of my Lord.  I want to be eager about spending time with Him.  I am eager to see what Facebook updates, or emails I get in a day, shouldn't I be ever so much more eager to hear from my Father?  Sometimes I think my time with Him is more of a "I should" than a desire to just dwell.  Over the Christmas season Steve and I celebrated Advent for the first time and it was such a blessing to have a determined time set everyday that we shared time with readings about our Savior and then time praying together.  We need to determine to continue to do that even though the season is over. 

So if you are reading this and consider me a friend, would you please check in with me from time to time and ask me how I am doing at DWELLING?  Even greater would be if you actually saw a change in my life because of my DWELLING!